Herr Eddie VON Halen plays the Fiddle...

Occasionally special investigations teams receive dynamite information which they are compelled to act upon.

Occasionally that’s a Clive Ponting or a David Kelly bravely contravening the Official Secrets Act, though sometimes it can also be a 14-year-old high on Tippex thinners peddling the Hitler Diaries. (No names, Andrew Neill, no names...)

The Special Investigations Team at Bobballs are on 24-hour standby to blow whistles *insert gag about ravers, Vicks and glo-sticks in here*.

We have a proud reputation here at Bobballs. If news is a Tequila, then we’re the lemon –the bitter twist that forces unpleasantness down your throat. And we have been contacted by a whistle-blower. So Joe Public, bottoms up!

To protect this whistle-blower's identity we’ve simply called her ‘Cathy’ and the following has been transcribed using the voice of an actor. 'Cathy' told us:

During an innocent evening's youtubing together ahead of a friend's departure to LA, imagine our horror when we unwittingly uncovered this clip.

'Cathy' passed onto us evidence now dubbed 'The Greensboro Tapes’. This exclusive youtube video reveals that an imposter exists in the very heart of one of the world’s great rock bands.

In August we reported the death of the CIA imposter who had successfully fooled the world as Fidel 'Fiddle™' Castro since 1981. Readers of that world exclusive report remember him better as Greek national Alexis Papagos.

If the CIA can install an imposter at the heart of a socialist dictatorship in an island republic 85 miiles off the coast of Florida, why can’t it pull off the ol’ switheroo on Eddie VON Halen? And what the hell, why can’t it be Alexis Papagos?

With VON Halen’s Nazi past soon to be revealed, the CIA has moved in quickly to put him into deep hiding. Having examined all possible permutations, this can be the only plausible explanation as to how the great Eddie Van Halen forgot how to play ‘Jump’.