Which brings me neatly onto Eddie VON Halen...

A DOCTOR WRITES: As a doctor, I'm often asked - aren't you concerned about the health of Eddie Van Halen? And my answer is always, yes, I am.

And as a doctor, I'm sometimes asked: are you above gossiping about the health of alcoholic cancer survivors (left)? And my answer is usually, no, I'm not.

So where the hell is Eddie? I see his people have been keen to allow it be reported widely that the axe hero is not in rehab. Ahem. Are these the same people that definitely didn’t cheat on poor ol’ Eddie until they needed to do the book promo? So that’s our starting point. He’s definitely in rehab.

He was definitely not in rehab on March 14. He has definitely not been in rehab since March 05.

As this point, on behalf of medical professionals, I would like to record my appreciation of Cinemablend.com's senistive approach to headline writing, when it hinted on March 11: ‘Eddie Van Halen picks up bottle, misses gigs’.

Quite so. But wait... Ontario Online finds that the stricken star is undergoing a veritable ‘battery of tests for an undisclosed condition’.

Do scientists know the name of the condition but refuse to disclose it? Or does Eddie have a condition that is undescribed and so impossible to disclose? I think we should be told.

Science has been probing Eddie since early March, so why the delay? Remember, the tour was apparently both was on and off on March 3. All very mysterious...

The axe hero's people are intent on denials. Okay. Then I suppose he isn't Prussian, his real name isn’t Eddie VON Halen, and I bet he isn’t embarrassed about something to do with the Nazis. Any more denials?

More worryingly, this is VON Halen’s first tour in 20 years. If Eddie pulls out, cui bono? Michael Anthony reveals motive in this hard-hitting interview. Any denials Michael?

As a doctor, I am concerned by all this speculative gossip. But then, I ask you: what's happened to Eddie? is he on the Gentleman’s Grand Tour and presently supping the refined airs of Lake Como? has he decided to show solidarity with the writers' strike and withdraw his talent until a fair deal gets squeezed out of corporate suits? is he embarrassed about his Nazi past? and will I get a refund on my VON Halen tickets?

As a doctor, I can say quite categorically that I have been paid for this article.