BOBBALLS!

We've moved...

2009-04-12T12:44:00.002+01:00

Have migrated to a new wordpress site:

http://bobballs.wordpress.com

Some solutions-focused beaconicity from SDLP

2009-04-08T00:47:00.012+01:00

Just checking out the SDLP New Priorities document.

It’s a curious creature. Like a platypus. And interestingly, just like a platypus, the SDLP economic paper provokes the same question:

‘How could it happen and who is responsible?’

In the case of the platypus, people like Mervyn Storey blame God. In the case of the SDLP position paper on the depressed economic situation, people like Mark Durkan but they’re going to blame him anyway.

As a rule, you know you’re in the Northern Territory when you see the Uluru and Kata Tjuta rock formations rising majestically out of ancient desert sands sacred to Aboriginal peoples.

And as a rule, you know you’re in Mark Durkan territory when you see clunky, malformed syntax impersonating bad poetry and desperately craving rhythm:

Doing nothing is not an option. More jobs, more houses, more nurses mean a stronger economy.

Living organisms are at the heart of the cheese making process. You could find that out, either by reading (as I often do) the essential Cheese.com, or... by watching the living organism Mark Durkan produce cheese like this:

Throughout our history, where there have been problems the SDLP has been close by to offer solutions. Some others do problems. We do solutions.

SDLP – purveyors in finest beaconicity and economy-focused solutions. It’s all a bit 1990s.

But we soon learn the top priority from the paper:

1. We must stimulate economic activity protecting businesses and jobs from the impacts of the recession.

Hooray! Then the paper goes on to list the following demands:

The Construction Sector
• Reconfigure the government’s capital investment strategy to prioritise those areas of planned capital expenditure that have a high labour content.
• Ensure that the Capital Programme gets delivered on time.
• Bring construction projects forward.

Hooray!

Developing our Tourism Potential
• Tourism Marketing –directed to Tourism Ireland and the Northern Ireland Tourist Board using the pull of an affordable currency zone.
• Tourism Product Development through the physical development of the signature projects.

Hooray! Then the paper goes to suggest:

Harbour Commission voluntarily fund Titanic Signature Project from cash reserves freeing up allocated Executive funds.

Hoor... eh? So the SDLP want to cut government funding on the Titanic Project? But hang on, according to one MLA, this is the kind of project to be welcomed because it will:

create construction jobs
alleviate the worst effects of the current economic crisis
benefit our local tourism.

Isn’t that right, Alastair McDonnell! The SDLP deputy leader so thoroughly backed the Executive’s spending plans last November that he claimed it was ‘good to see our message getting through’. So it must be bad to see that the SDLP’s message is no longer getting through to the SDLP, right Alastair?

But won’t the Titanic Project’s creating hundreds of jobs for the construction sector and helping to developing our tourism potential meet the stated aims of the SDLP paper? Surely this would mitigate the worst impacts of the recession by reordering public expenditure to achieve maximum short term stimulus to the local economy (page 3)? No?

Enough talk. This is my initial take on all this: dumb courage.

Great to see someone putting substantial proposals into the public domain. But why include stuff like the above and potentially controversial proposals on Sunday opening for bookies when it will suck attention away from decent and popular proposals (eg. surrounding Assembly costs)?

Their policy people will be busy on Euro manifestos and assembly business. Drafting together a paper of some depth was going to be difficult – which is why it’s got lots of clunky stuff and proposals that just don’t match up. But they’ve started the ball rolling on what constructive, intelligent politics can look like.

So they don’t go down in my estimations for producing this, or even for producing the dumb bits. Going back to the ugly platypus simile (the platypus, not the simile), this ugly jumble of forest and car park fire-sales (which will net little value), PFI schemes for the Housing Exec HQ (anyone told John Dallat) and tired old guff about comfortable old Sir Humphrey may not attract admiring glances from policy wonks. But I’m more struck by the SDLP’s courage of articulating a constructive alternative vision.

So where does this debate go next? How will the SDLP win consensus on the really good bits?

Square peg, round hole...

2009-03-30T00:45:00.005+01:00

What does David Ford mean here?

This Burnside/New Century/Goodwin story must have looked like an easy shot to Ford. But alas, he’s taken some disconnected and unrelated information and biffed it all together like it was Play-Doh. D’oh!

There is no guilt of admission, or even guilt by association. In fact there’s no guilt of anything. With the possible exception of Fred the Shred, no one has done anything wrong. What we have is the most amazing contortions from Fordy as he desperately tries to link everyone together. God, it’s like reading the back of the ‘Days of Our Lives’ boxset.

So what’s going on here? Well, for one thing, The Observer has gone on a whistle-stop tour of the theory of six degrees of separation.

David Burnside knows Reg Empey.
Fred Goodwin might know David Burnside.
Therefore Reg Empey must explain Fred’s behaviour.

It then builds the case, not painstakingly, incrementally with evidence - but by great leaps and bounds.

So, here goes: The Tories and the UUP recently agreed to cooperate at the next election. David Burnside has always been in favour of Tory link up. Therefore Tories approach to banking abuse is hypocritical.

So they’re all in on it!

Let’s take this from the top. David Burnside is a PR guy. He’s a PR guy that supplies services to the marketplace. Because the marketplace is kinda big, he'll necessarily represent a wide range of people, organisations and interests. As do a lot of other consultancies.

So here comes Fred Goodwin. No one would deny that he is clearly in need of some professional advice. So he is in the market for a PR company. And, erm, that’s it.

David Ford slams the relationship that has yet to be confirmed and suggests Burnside’s work as a private individual – whatever it actually might be (as there’s no hint from the story) – reveals hypocrisy behind the “high-profile stand that the Tories have taken against abuse of the banking system".

But surely it doesn’t? In fact it has nothing to do with the Tories or anyone else for that matter. Explain yourself Fordy!

He explains: "Mr Burnside played a key role in bringing the Tories and the UUP together. So perhaps it's as well that he is standing down from the Assembly."

So in the political sphere, and for a period of some considerable time, Burnside has argued for the UUP and the Tories to work together. In the business sphere, and within just the past number of months, Burnside may represent Fred Goodwin. So why does he need to stand down from the Assembly?

Addressing the UUP leader, Ford said: "Perhaps Sir Reg should be clarifying the Ulster Unionist position on the behaviour of those associated with the RBS, given the bank's ownership of the Ulster Bank.

"The Ulster Bank has behaved completely honourably but it was plunged into danger by the behaviour of the likes of Goodwin and others."

Why does David Burnside’s refusal to deny that Fred Goodwin is a client in his private consultancy present complications or implicate the UUP Leader in explaining Fred’s behaviour or Party policy? So how many filters should be applied to business development at New Century, and how many statements like this need to be issued for a position to be considered clear? This particular thread to the Fred Goodwin story lies beyond what any right-thinking person might expect to lie within the competence of the UUP (and the Tory Party for that matter).

The fact is that this story is recycled. This particular piece of churnalism could have come from this particular diary piece in The Daily Mail. Should McDonald now go to Rupert Murdock, as Phil Hall's former boss, and suggest News International clarifies its position on Fred Goodwin?

McDonald has a story, but without confirmation or meaty quotes from main players he’s got a flat, speculative one that's at least three weeks old. So to lend it all some currency and spark he tries kindling a political row between 2 rivals in South Antrim. Understandable, but it's just a bit desperate and forced. And from David Ford's point of view, this all serves to illustrate how some ‘media opportunities’ should be politely declined.

Chuck Norris fights insomnia!

2009-03-19T04:23:00.003Z

Some people like to counter insomnia with warm milk and a banana. Me? I like to combat my insomnia with Chuck Norris!

So here goes: my definitive Top 10 Chuck Norris-isms...

Chuck Norris once had a bachelor party. He ate the entire Cake before they could tell him there was a stripper in it.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Chuck Norris is not Politically Correct. He is just Correct. Always.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Right. That'll be me off to bed then...

How deep is your love?

2009-03-19T03:39:00.007Z

Jeez, the years haven't been kind to ol' Barry Gibb. Check him out at that link, then come back here and look at the photo below (... if you're not humming How Deep is Your Love? softly while you look at this photo it means you don't love him like I do).

So altogether now!! Ta-ada-dah-wacka-wacka-How-deep-is-your-love-ta-dah-dah-ta... etc

PS. Oh and in case you missed it, here's an invasive down-the-front-shot of the nice Kate Moss who stupidly got into a car and ceded the advantage of height to paparazzi. But who in the post-Diana era of self-regulation would encourage the paps to take such modesty-revealing pics by paying out wads of cash for same?

Step forward family newspaper and great defender of traditional British values... The Daily Mail! I think this goes beyond the cheeky snap into something more prosaic.

PPS. Or perhaps there really is nothing more British than a 'Coor blimey Missus' ganders at a young lady's Bristols.

Napoleon said we were 'a nation of shopkeepers'. Even then I suspect those shops were thoroughly well stocked with gentlemen's pamphlets. The Daily Mail has clearly disembarked the newsstands and is making a dashing assault on the commanding heights of pornography's last bastion amid the upper-shelves. ABC figures will tell us if its a good thing or not (ie. a desperate ends-justifying-the-means ploy that paid off).

Thank you Wired... thank you

2009-03-19T02:52:00.006Z

It's the newsstory intro that we prayed for, but never truly believed could happen.

*clears throat* According to Wired *drumroll*:

Huge news for real-life ray guns: Electric lasers have hit battlefield strength for the first time -- paving the way for energy weapons to go to war.

Great! Lasers are now over the 100-kilowatt threshold for weapons grade awesomeness! Then that must mean I can go git me a Star Wars-style blaster and go git some! Right, Noah?

That much power won't get you a Star Wars-style blaster.

Well that's f&^%$£g useless then, isn't it? Bah. Shouldn't have got my hopes up. After all, could anything really top CNN's Stars-Wars-style-anti-mosquito-blasters-mounted-to-the-tops-of-lampposts-in-African-villages-story?

This, remains for me, the quote of the decade. Dr Jordin Kate, the man who invented the Stars Wars anti-mosquito laser defence system, said:

There is no such thing as a good mosquito

True. No arguments there Dr Evil, sorry, Dr Kate. (And is 'Dr Kate' pronounced like the girl's name or as in the martial art - Karate? Can the man who harnessed the terrible lethality of the laser blaster really be named after a girl? For the sake of clarity, 'et's just call him Dr Jordin Karate.)

Ah well. Best to contemplate the awesome destructive power of weapons grade lasers with nice a cuppa tea and a sit down. Oh yes...

Has it been that long?

2009-03-19T02:51:00.000Z

And I only nipped out for a pint of milk. Tsk.

‘Stops’ and search at Stormont shocker!

2009-02-25T00:54:00.019Z

Staff at Bobballs are admirers of power-sharing. Devolved government should be about trust. Yes, it’s about building consensus and going the extra mile to make accommodations. It’s about conducting open dialogue in an environment that promotes mutual exchange...

... oh, and it’s also about having officials following a predetermined route of ‘stops’ to inspect your room every hour of the day to see what people are doing!

That’s according to a strangely imperious internal admin email that’s circulating around Stormont at the moment. Things are getting a bit intense on the hill. Email as below...

**********************************************************************************

Strategic Accommodation Review

You will be aware that Properties Directorate have begun a strategic review of the accommodation needs of the Assembly. The space utilisation study will begin on Wednesday 25th February and continue until 10th March 2009. The study will look at the working life of the organisation following a predetermined route of 'stops' to look at rooms. Observers will walk the route and check rooms every hour (sic) during the 10 days. An information sheet giving further details of the study can be found by clicking on the link below http://assist.assemblyni.gov.uk/services/ok/works/Accommodation_Information_Sheet.doc

Observers will be as unobtrusive as possible and will knock before entering a room.

Information about the review will be updated regularly on AssISt but if you require further details please speak to your directorate/business area representative on the steering group or contact David Lynn on 21346.

Issued on behalf of Properties Directorate

********************************************************************************

So the plan is, in effect, to have civil servants walk around in circles for 10 days?

Stern officials with clipboards roaming the maze of administrative corridors – this has got a kind of Kafka-eqsue tinge to it. And I love the Birt-speak murkiness of it as well: ‘Space utilisation study’ (human translation: ‘A Big Hoak!’)

But can someone tell us why this intensive/invasive approach is necessary? What are they looking for? But, more importantly, what are the costs are behind this ‘space utilisation study’?

How many man hours are to be expended by civil servants on walking around in circles for 10 days? And what is the opportunity cost of having them employed doing this – or in other words, are there no actual jobs that these guys could be doing which will now be left undone while they perform the essential task of knocking on doors every hour?

Sadly we can’t access the AssIST links as these are from the Assembly intranet – but I’m sure someone in the building could enlighten us.

In fairness, the poor gits who get sent off to walk around Stormont for 10 days would probably want to be better employed. Is this really the best, most efficient use of resources? Is this really great management? I doubt it on the basis of this email.

But, of course, we accept there’s more information to which we’re unsighted. Perhaps there’s a perfectly rational explanation for what looks like an old-fashioned case of wastage and logic-bending Sir Humphrey-ism?

PS. This job description offers details on where the directorate fits into things. [And I can't bear the way blogger flat out refuses to format posts properly. There ought to be lots of pleasing par breaks in the above, but darn it if blogger won't play ball...]

When lot'sa dough goes into the pizza...

2009-02-23T23:58:00.004Z

Haven't had a chance to flick through the Irish News yet, but I see from the Press Gazette that the paper will have to stump up £25k to cover its legal bill despite having won an appeal in a libel trial stemming from a restaurant review it published almost a decade ago.

Yes, the Irish News should be lauded for fighting and defeating a writ which could have had such a detrimental effect on newspaper and free speech.

But not awarding costs to the Irish News creates a thorny issue, surely. Could a Mourne Observer or Fermanagh Herald afford to defend such a case if the best case scenario (being right!) results in serious financial losses?

No sum is insignificant in these times of wilting advertising spending. And more costs could be coming downstream at a retrial.

I trust the £25k costs won't effect the freelance budget in there. Would be a shame if any part of journalism (jobs!) suffers over this case.

One thing's for sure though. The guy behind the libel writ has done more harm to his own business that the original article could ever possibly have created. Almost 10 years on and the press are still carrying details of the poor meal Ms Workman felt she was served up at this restaurant. Ho hum.

Surely Mr Convery must be being advised to step away, save his money and not risk his reputation still further.

Aaiii-aaiii-aaah-whah-whah-whah...

2009-02-23T23:40:00.008Z

Another week and another comedy triumph from our super-soaraway Ballymena Times.

The paper is in pun-tastic form this week with the story of deviants who helped themselves to some footwear from a local store.

First up, the headline:

Cowboy thieves ride out of town with ladies boots

Then the pic alongside to illustrate aforementioned footwear and... WHAMMY! Here comes the caption!

Cowboy boots WALK from Ballymena shop (BT's capitals)

It's gone a bit Spagh Western, and bit 'Good the Bad etc' - so altogether now: Aaiii-aaiii-aaah-whah-whah-whah!

Lassie go home...

2009-02-23T23:19:00.003Z

Here Lassie, here boy! What's that Lassie?

Barking, occasional yelp, slurping.

The Alliance Party and UUP take their competition for votes to new heights and Sean Neeson and Dermot Nesbitt have been caught slugging it out?

Barking, occasional yelp, slurping.

What's that boy?

Barking, occasional yelp, barking, slurping, slurping.

Only the Belfast Telegraph have got the incredible inside scoop?

Slurp.

Show me the headline Lassie, go on boy!

A knock-out performance from Neeson and Nesbitt

Jeez, hat-tip there Lassie! Great spot! Let's tell everyone...

Growling, occasional yelp, phutt.

Wait, hang on...

Twitter wars!

2009-02-22T17:28:00.004Z

Two among the Pantheon of Twittering Olympians are going at each other. Veronica Belmont has been accused by Robert Scoble of chucking filthy lucre at Twitter organisers so as to get into the recommended users section of the site. (The Tech News Blog has the story.)

Maybe, maybe not. Or maybe Scoble is making a point to Twitter organiser's that he's a big player and deserves a seat at the top table alongside, erm, Britney Spears, Tony Robbins and Bobballs! All right, not Bobballs...

Seconds out, Round Two!

Japan really knows how to polish a turd...

2009-02-22T17:24:00.003Z

Way to go Times Online for this revelation!

You know the economy has gone down the pan when our crap is worth its weight in gold.

Great article!

Wanna sneak peak at 'Oscar winners'?

2009-02-21T16:30:00.003Z

Heck, this is probably fake - but it is true to say that a list is circulating which is purporting to be a leak containing the winners of this weekend's Oscar's event... make up your own mind! (The Heath Ledger bit looks pure Hollywood though doesn't it?)

Johnny Hubris visits Staff at Bobballs...

2009-02-20T21:24:00.002Z

Fearless reporting in the Belfast Telegraph! Apparently there's a civil service property in East Belfast which costs millions of pounds and its completely empty. Shocking. Just shocking.

In fact this was a shocking story the first time round... when Staff at Bobballs covered this story exactly 12 months ago!

So the Belfast Telegraph submitted an FOI request, and introduced some (rather interesting) historical background, then ran a story based on publicly available information that we were able to blog about 12 months ago. And then they put it on their frontpage.

It's not that we've done anything special, it's just that the Belfast Telegraph haven't. Anything masquerading under the tag of Investigative Reporting ought to amount to something more than this, shouldn't it?

Johnny Hubris pays visit to Belfast Media Group...

2009-02-19T23:11:00.005Z

Fearless reporting in Belfast Media Group! This just in... Belfast Media Group is great!

LORD Mayor Tom Hartley celebrated the city’s foremost members of the business community at a special breakfast last week. At the event hosted at the Mayor’s temporary parlour at Clarenden Dock, the 50-strong audience toasted the success of the Belfast Media Group in building the community.

Trebles all round chaps!

Headline of the week...

2009-02-19T22:48:00.005Z

... goes to Jim Allister of the TUV.

Following the first come, first served EU farm payments fiasco Jim serves up the austere surroundings of the EU Parliament as stage for some serious sub/dom action. Take it away Jim!

ALLISTER FLAYS GILDERNEW IN EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT

Erm.. what?

ALLISTER FLAYS GILDERNEW IN EUROPEAN PARLIAMENT

Hang on, I've just been a little sick into my mouth...

Foreign jobs for British workers!

2009-02-19T21:53:00.003Z

Great news! Belfast is one of the world's 31 emerging Business Process Outsourcing (BPO) hubs. We're among a global elite that's replacing established outsourcing giants based in Bangalore, Chennai or Shanghai.

According to report author's KPMG, Belfast - like alot of European locations - offers great diversity, excellent infrastructure and numerous niche specialisms.

The proof is in the Bro McFerrans of this world and Allstate's growing outsourcing presence in NI. Coincidentally Bro was waxing on this week about outsourcing here.

So great news! Curse the hated forces of globalisation for creating unemployment... and, erm... hooray for the forces of globalisation for winning employment opportunities.

What happened to those cuddly Stoops?

2009-02-17T23:39:00.009Z

The SDLP are using the big boy voice in the Andersonstown News. Sure it's a strong piece - suppose SF are vulnerable to this attack now.

The DUP think the SDLP should be lead negotiators for nationalism and the SDLP are pleased to act up. What happened to those cuddly Stoops we know and love? These guys are angry and trash talk. It's getting ugly...

... much like Mairtin O Muilleoir's blog. Read the first section. As a publisher, why doesn't he think that 'man reads newspaper' is culturally acceptable; or why is it so offensive? Was this joke sparked by the Daily Mail or was it about the Daily Mail (Mairtin doesn't say)? Why would a comedian referring to a newspaper be a cultural faux pas?

Navel-gazing rubbish. Tenuous hope is that Newton Emerson's Irish News column on Saturday treats this with the respect he deserves... (otherwise Mairtin don't parade infantile, low-grade prejudice as heightened cultural awareness. It ruins an otherwise decent read from Belfast Media Group.)

Late arrivals...

2009-02-17T22:22:00.005Z

Why on earth did this take so long to sort out? Anyway here is the full statement from the RBS.

Bonuses are now deferred awards. But never bonuses. Deferred awards. That aside this is progress - the emphasis on sustainable growth and not rewarding failure are exactly right. But it took so long to get here.

This also took a while to arrive. The Bel Tel are now posting up that banned DoE ad - beaten to it by QUB radio (and everyone on the internet). Ho hum.

PS. Way to go Prezza (or the 19-year-old researcher posturing online as John P)! People power in action all right.

Why the D?

2009-02-11T23:10:00.003Z

When making a statement on the DUP website, Peter Robinson is simply known as Rt. Hon Peter Robinson MP MLA.

But when making a statement on the OFMDFM site, he is known as Rt. Hon Peter D. Robinson MP MLA.

The D makes all the difference as this guy would tell you. But why does Peter do it?

In fact Peter Robinson hasn’t been Peter Robinson on the OFMDFM site since October 10 2008. After that date he has been Peter D.

Including the middle initial as part of your common description is popular among US executives. But there is a precedent on this side of the pond too. Check out Iain Banks. When Iain writes mainstream fiction he is Iain Banks, but when he writes science fiction he becomes Iain M Banks.

Using this analogy, when Peter engages in mainstream fiction as DUP leader he is merely Peter Robinson, but when he is Peter D Robinson you know he’s turned on the fiction afterburners and is heading deep into outer space as First Minister. Erm... so to speak.

Is the inclusion of the D inspired by the execs in the States? Can its existence be because Peter views himself as NI’s top executive? I think we should be told...

PS. Erm, what does the D stand for? You won’t find the answer on the OFMDFM site, the NI Assembly website or on the DUP homepage. Thankfully Peter’s personal website supplies the (sadly obvious) answer.

Imposter works in mysterious ways…

2009-02-11T20:59:00.002Z

Looks like Facebook needn’t sign up Michael Jordan after all. Turns out the Dalai Lama wasn’t on Twitter. That was the work of an imposter. The LA Times has the story… Shame.

Farewell then Stephen Dempster…

2009-02-11T18:33:00.008Z

Word around the media campfire is that the News Letter's Political Editor Stephen Dempster is moving on to the BBC’s Spotlight programme.

I know Stephen always got lots of stick for his coverage. The fractured nature of Unionism meant the political coverage of Unionism’s daily newspaper would always find enthusiastic objectors from some quarter or another. The fact that he was in post for so long may suggest that he was largely successful in keeping the News Letter’s coverage within the slipstream of mainstream Unionist thinking (or it may not. That too depends on your viewpoint!).

No question, the News Letter’s political editorship is a tough job. It requires considerable political skills in managing the demands of contacts and the expectations of the political elite, in ensuring high level of access while avoiding accusations of partiality, and all the while delivering genuine insight that will keep readers interested (and maintain sales).

For one reason or another, Unionist politicians invest unhealthily high expectations in the News Letter’s political output. That must stop/be stopped. If the News Letter is to grow within a constantly adapting, agile, multi-platform media-sphere then how engaging can endless tit-for-tat spats over who’s the toughest unionist be? It would be different if the Unionist elite was choc-full of colourful personalities. But it isn't. How could information about this often less-than-dynamic parish of opinion engage a wider universe of online media consumer?

But that's one for Darwin Templeton to wrestle with. And I bet the Unionist parties will be filling your lunch diary, Darwin, to help make your decision less burdensome.

In the meantime, farewell Stephen Dempster. Boy, you've earned a break! Best of luck in all that you do...

And elsewhere... and finally

2009-02-08T16:04:00.003Z

Staff at Bobballs are basking in the afterglow of Ireland's great win against the French yesterday. Still, we're easily distracted from watching a clueless Scots side get beat by Wales - so in a moment of supreme randomness we've bumped into the following...

FIRST UP: Twitter-using journalism students will be grateful to Online Journalism Blog for putting together their list of the top 10 best twitter feeds. Bobballs isn't one of them, but I'm sure that but for reasons of space...

ELSEWHERE: Prezza needs you to stop RBS handing out the onions (taxpayers cash) to the kinds of sage chaps who lost investors (taxpayers) billions. We like the cut of his jib. Join him here on Facebook.

ELSEWHERE: Carol Vorderman everyone! Tory campaign on maths... pah, didn't notice. Carol Vorderman everyone!!

ELSEWHERE: Living god is on Twitter. High fives Your Holiness!! Though this is only a slight tactical advantage over Facebook till they get to sign up Michael Jordan.

AND FINALLY: Labour tried to spin the Lords corruption story into an attack on external earnings. So retraining the guns of the media onto William Hague. It was a desperate but perfectly decent diversionary tactic. 'Cept this week Guido thinks the Home Secretary might have wrongly claimed £116k off the taxpayer. How can the government (and Prezza) use the big boy voice about RBS and taxpayer-funded bonuses when the Home Secretary may have been gorging herself on generous taxpayer-funded expenses (bonuses) for some time? Whiff of sleaze? Fatal if proven.

RUC saves Andytown News...

2009-02-07T22:59:00.004Z

The Belfast Media Group has a great story here. The basic thread is that the RUC saved the Andersonstown News from a loyalists/British army bomb plot.

The details of yet another terrible episode come forward. One arm of the state conspires to destroy the legitimate business of citizens and another arm of the state foils the conspiracy.

Clegg's doing well??

2009-02-07T21:58:00.008Z

Lib Dems up in the polls - picking up support as both Labour and Tories lose out. Way to go Cleggers??

So the Lib Dems are just 6 points off the government. Can that be true? Seasoned observers always feel that polls are something to be wary of. Erm... like the Lib Dems. They just know that accurate forecasts are something to be deeply suspicious of. No doubt they'll play this down as utter bollocks. I'm 26.4% sure of it.

Private Eye in Zimbabwe partiality gaffe?

2009-02-07T18:06:00.008Z

Just opened my latest edition of Private Eye and a leaflet for the Zimbabwe Crisis Appeal spilled onto the floor. Outrage! So ends independent, impartial journalism!

Chucking leading and pejorative terms like 'Crisis' around? Private Eye should be ashamed of themselves. They are giving succour to those who would oppose a sovereign government. Sure, there's a bit of local difficulty there but how can I trust Private Eye after such blatant evidence of partiality? What a gaffe!

So well done once again to the BBC for definitely getting it right with that local difficulty in Gaza. Your impartiality is so finely honed that the suffering of helpless human beings will not rouse you to something approaching partiality on the notion that mitigating human suffering might be a good idea.

So well done again you bunch of inconstant, self-regarding, brainless Ruperts!

PS. Oh, and keep up the good work Lord Gnome.

And elsewhere... and finally

2009-02-07T10:15:00.006Z

In moment of supreme randomness, Staff at Bobballs have bumped into the following...

First off... phwoarr blimey! Here's one Lib Dem councillor who gets my vote!

ELSEWHERE: Emma Brady claims she only found out her six-year marriage was over when her husband posted a message on the social networking site Facebook. It simply said: "Neil Brady has ended his marriage to Emma Brady." Tragic.

ELSEWHERE: the Great Maple Syrup Mystery has finally been solved. A most perplexing mystery...

AND FINALLY: Barry is clearly a bad mamma-jamma. The air's gonna turn blue in the Oval Office.

Labour gets it wrong - and they'll keep getting it wrong

2009-02-06T21:49:00.008Z

Strange things are happening on twitter and the blogosphere. Seems like Labour have gone bickies with the old web 2.0.

First Iain Dale gets into a tiff. But then Ifran Ahmed gets a visitor on twitter. Why are Derek Draper and Alistair Campbell acting in this way?

Said Alistair:

@irfanahmed Ah, my site is more than a blog. Yours is an interesting combination of orange, yellow and beige. And some words. All the best

What is going on? Why are two senior and sophisticated Labour communicators/strategists just hanging around being rude to bloggers. It doesn't make any sense.

This is what Draper is saying about Dale:

is iain dale an apologist for racism? read these private e-mails between me and him and decide for yourself http://tinyurl.com/c6py9v

I think Draper is a bit misguided. Online is the one medium where reasonableness and etiquette carry weight. So clearly Draper and Campbell just aren't equipped for it.

Like watching anyone over 30 attempting to moonwalk, these guys are embarrassing themselves in public. It's a pity because I like their proximity. But the mystique is being exploded here - they should change tac while they still have (formidable) reputations left online. But they won't.

This embarrassing spectacle is bound to continue - and all they're doing is benefitting the Tories. Totally counterproductive.

Ed Moloney and the Betrayal Five

2009-02-06T09:50:00.004Z

Ed Moloney's in the Jerusalem Post welcoming the arrival of George Mitchell as US Envoy to the Middle East. No doubt this will be high fives for the man who drove peace negotiations in the world's most intractable of conflicts from the chronicler of the world's most intractable of conflicts.

So with a recognised peace broker on board, hopes are high for a Middle East deal. Erm.. right Ed?

Well, according to Ed:

AND SO A MYTH was born. Mitchell had negotiated the Good Friday Agreement. For a while it was even called the "Mitchell Agreement," but that term soon fell into disuse, not least because there was little appetite to perpetuate the fable among the participants.

None of this is to minimize the very constructive role that Mitchell otherwise played in the peace talks. He was widely liked, scrupulously air and was tough enough in the dealings he did have with all the parties. But to credit him with winning the peace in Northern Ireland is a step too far. If Obama has chosen him because he believes that he performed the role in Northern Ireland ascribed to him, then he has made a mistake.
There is though an important lesson from Mitchell's time in Northern Ireland. The ploy devised by the British and Irish governments worked for a very simple reason. The Americans were seen by all sides as a largely disinterested party whose judgment and verdict thereby carried extra weight. They had no dog in the fight. The same cannot be said for America's role in the Middle East. The real question arising from Mitchell's appointment is whether Obama wishes to change that.

Jeez. Hopes dashed. George spatchcocked before the US even gets its feet under the dinner table. And George is probably asking, where the hell did that come from?

Ed's got your back G Dog... Betrayal Five!

Covers and Dead Kennedys...

2009-02-06T00:39:00.007Z

As the world goes twitter-mad, Staff at Bobballs share what's on their mind right now...

Tigerrouge is currently listening to some Thriller-era Michael Jackson while reading a story about a transvestite that looks like John Terry.

ELSEWHERE: editor of Tatler decides to jump ship to Evening Standard (allegedly bought by Russian billionaire and former KGB man for the nominal sum of £1) leaving people to speculate Toby Young will become new editor. Toby Young denies this on twitter.

UPDATE: Russian billionaire and former KGB man appeals to UK press to stop referring to him as a former KGB man.

"If I were a gynaecologist for example, would you ask me the question, 'Why did you buy the Evening Standard?'"

ELSEWHERE on twitter: Stephen Fry gets stuck in a lift and gives running commentary on events.

ELSEWHERE in the world: Vanity Fair goes green by recycling its own cover shot.

Every time they run a cover with a Kennedy, it's never a new shot either, but then again, there is a good reason for that...

Whatever happened to...

2009-02-05T21:44:00.004Z

David Archer?

Well, he's still doing the unspectacular work you expect from decent public reps. But he's also helping to demonstrate the brighter side of online communities - and that connectivity is measured not only in bytes per second.

So David cropped up in the blogosphere earlier today - on Iain Dale's blog to be precise. And he said something nice about Iain. This made Iain feel warm. Which in turn led to Kath sharing the love with Iain. Iain sharing the love with Kath. And the revelation that Iain Dale will be coming to NI for a group hug. And Staff at Bobballs feels warm at the pleasant domino effect.

Just cannot imagine his visit will not include visit to Cunningham House. With Dale's visit I suspect the UUP/Conservative Europe candidate could soon get a major online boost. This could be a big deal. Will Slugger be hooking up with Iain? What about other bloggers - aligned and non-aligned? Heck, will Iain be hooking up with David?

Dale is no Tory party hack. So his impressions of NI and UUP will be very interesting. We look forward to finding out about Dale's visit; how the UUP use the opportunity; how the DUP responds. From the UUP POV it would good to get Dale in to develop online campaigns capacity. He may have some insight into things like branding. Wonder if the UUP can confirm whether they might be entertaining Dale?

Fermanagh: Monaco-sur-Erne...

2009-02-03T10:18:00.002Z

Comic genius at work in DCAL press office! Desperation at zero content in story drives press officer to commit the schoolboy error of... the overhyped headline. And to glorious effect.

Campbell welcomes Fermanagh as the New Monaco

Erm... really?

But how will the old Monaco feel about being usurped by New Monaco? Should Staff at Bobballs start shopping for dream homes in our newest tax haven? We're writing to DCAL for further advice on the matter...

And the Peter Cook Award for satire genius goes to?

2009-01-27T11:14:00.005Z

The Peter Cook award for satire genius masquerading as a news item goes to… the Irish News and star reporter Rebecca Black!

The headline tells you that something special is about to happen…
'Rats, snakes and tigers hold top political jobs in north'

The piece is then so gloriously tee-ed up. It begins disarmingly as a Chinese culture piece, before moving on to Obama (yawn!) then… whhhaaaammy!!

Adams is a rat! (Them’uns nod wisely.)
Er… Robinson is a rat ‘an all! (Those’uns nod knowingly!)
And both Jeffrey Donaldson and Gerry Kelly are total snakes!! (Those’uns and Them’uns fall to their knees in fits of rapturous applause!).

Even Private Eye would be unworthy of this. Yip, Staff at Bobballs are impressed. Someone in the Irish News (yes, Black, we mean you!) has hit the genius button and ascended into satire heaven. Well done to my super soar-away Irish News!!

Random appointment of the week...

2009-01-27T01:59:00.001Z

Congratulations Mr Richard Holmes! For we hear that the Government of Mongolia has appointed you its honorary consul in Northern Ireland.

Anyone who wants to know more about the new chief Mongol in Northern Ireland can contact Richard by email on mongolia_ni@ yahoo.co.uk

All the best Richard, but do you realise that you’ve taken on years of stupid jokes about Mongol hoardes and Genghis Khan?

So start your torment off, here’s an authentic Mongolian joke (many thanks to the asiafinest.com discussions forum for this gem)...

Нэг эр найздаа: - Гэртээ ордог юм байна. Авгай нэг юмтай зууралдаж байна. Дyрсхийгээд бачимдахдаа сандал дээр суун тэдний ууж байсан 2 лонхтойг хoнтoрч орхив оо. Уйтгартай дуу аяллаа. Тэгээд жаал уужраад эргэн тойрноо харваас манай гэр биш байна шyy.

What? You need a translation? Tsk. As below...

A man say to his friend:-- When i come back home, i found my wife was with someone. I was flamed, to hold myself, i sit down and drink bottle what they left on the table. Sang a song. So i felt better and look around. Oh my, this is not my house.

Hilarious. Best wishes Richard!

Daithi McKay puts a ring on it...

2009-01-27T01:27:00.002Z

Staff at Bobballs understand that North Antrim SF MLA Daithi McKay has said that the Assembly should make coverage of Question-Time and other proceedings available on Youtube (no link).

Very noble. He’s got a great point. And yet...

As Daithi notes:

I have proposed that the coverage of Question-time and important debates are recorded and put on the Youtube website to ensure that more people, especially young people, can see what their elected representatives are doing.

Be careful, we warn you Daithi that this level of proximity isn’t always beneficial. Posterity is a very tough audience. Be careful what you wish for my friend...

PS. But just on the general principle, Daithi, you and I must agree that there’s just too much of this notion of seeing what people are doing. Daithi, I present the evidence. (HINT: It’s an open and shut case.)

Cup of tea and listening to the wireless... lovely

2009-01-27T00:18:00.004Z

For Staff at Bobballs, there’s no better way to start the day than with a lovely cup of char, a nice piece of excellent toast smothered in Old English Thick Cut Marmalade, and all to the thunder of a peer of the realm informing Wendy Austin on the wireless that 111 fellow peers are probably corrupt.

Boy, oh boy, does Lady Royall have a job of work ahead of her! Still, she’s looking into four of them. Just another 107 to go!

In fairness to Ken, he said that the Lords are everyday people and 10% to 15% of everyday people act dishonestly. At first sight there is nothing so controversial here – but then... surely the public are right to require a higher standard of behaviour from their public representatives? So in other words, is there not something kinda disturbing about a representative in Parliament suggesting that 10% to 15% of peers probably act dishonestly?

Even if Ken's right, then we know of at least one peer who's above reproach... high fives Dennis!

PS. We're looking forward to the next edition of the super soaraway PR Week which has been crusading mightily in recent months over government plans to limit access of public affairs consultants.

How will Labour legislators view these restrictions now that The Sunday Times has amply demonstrated the necessity of introducing them? Will they be more or less in favour?

How warm a reception will public affairs people get from government when they ask to preserve a system which has contributed to the ensnaring of four Labour peers and unleashing the spectre of Labour sleaze just 12 months out from an election?

PPS. Are you acting dishonestly? Then you might just be a taxi driver!! Over the past few months, Staff at Bobballs have noticed a steady increase in taxi drivers (from a well known Belfast firm in particular) just forgetting how to take the quickest route between two fixed points.

Okay, it's just anecdotal - so perhaps I’ve just been unlucky over the past 6 months. Yet this bad run of luck coincided with the credit crunch and less money being spent on fewer taxi journeys. Erm... surely taxi firms aren't encouraging drivers to maximise the relationship between distance and costs? I mean, how do you forget The Knowledge?

Our tip: if the taxi guy asks you what way you want to go... tell him and be specific. Based on our humble experience, if you imply that you defer to his wisdom then expect a longer journey and bigger meter by journey’s end.

Imelda Marcos and the dangers of multi-jobbing...

2009-01-23T00:36:00.010Z

MLAs collect jobs here like Imelda Marcos collected shoes. Double and triple jobbing is fairly common practice, but we think Peter Robinson is going for the jackpot...

... MLA, MP, DUP Leader, First Minister and, for a brief moment on Tuesday, Assembly Clerk!

In a bizarre exchange, Robinson lost his cool (due to some nifty rhetorical footwork from the SDLP's Declan O'Loan) and intervened to overrule a clerk and to tell the Deputy Speaker how to rule on a point of order he himself raised. Seems fair! (Scroll down to the exchange at 12.30pm.)

Then Deputy Speaker John Dallat (SDLP) leapt to the defence of the administration with some masterly inactivity. No probs John - its under the auspices of the civil service administration that the Legislative Assembly and its Members can function with such considerable support and in such privilege and comfort. Oh, and your job is to ensure the primacy of the authority of the Chamber in the conduct of business. So keep schtum, no big deal. Right?

Wrong. Time for another job share.

Having witnessed the First Minister briefly become Assembly Clerk (and watched Dallat sit on his hands), the SDLP’s Alex Attwood did the job of Deputy Speaker and leap to the defence of the administration. (Scroll down to exchange just before 2pm.)

Mr Attwood: On a point of order, Mr Deputy Speaker. All Members are used to the cut and thrust of political debate, and we are all big enough to handle it. However, I am concerned that that cut and thrust of debate among politicians should not be visited upon Assembly staff. Earlier, during an intervention, the First Minister said that your Clerk should listen more carefully, and it was said in an aggressive tone and in a high-handed fashion. I have long been concerned that elements in the Chamber want to erode its authority and the independence of its staff. Notwithstanding that matter, Mr Deputy Speaker, I ask you to examine the Hansard report and to consider the treatment of staff on the Floor of the Chamber during the course of the debate. It was quite clear as to whom the First Minister referred.

Quite right. How did the supine SDLP Deputy Chair respond to the superlative SDLP backbencher?

Well, the Deputy Speaker faced down the creeping arrogance of power (that's right, we mean you Peter!) by pledging to look at Hansard very, very, very closely indeed. And, er, that's it.

I know the Assembly is new, but Robbo has been a parliamentarian for 30 years. We're also told that multi-jobbing ensures experience and a degree of professionalism from our elected officials. But the debate last Tuesday demonstrates how the Assembly can invite criticism for being a sub-parish council free-for-all.

So to recap:

Speakers Office – get into a huddle next time and defend the administration from the First Minister. Up yours John Dallat!
Peter – keep your hands in your pockets and stop beating up on the staff. Oh, and stop trying to add to your job list. Why not accept that clerks do their jobs?
SDLP – nifty footwork, great defence of the administration. High fives Alex Attwood!!

The 80s needs a hug...

2009-01-22T02:22:00.003Z

Farewell then Tony Hart. Those of us in our 30s (late 30s. Ed.) will remember Tony fondly.

But Christ it's like celebrity death dominoes now - another one falls every day. At this rate, Norman Wisdom will be away by the end of the week, followed by Jimmy Saville next Tuesday.

So what with all those inconsequential icons of the 80s dropping like flies recently, we went on a nostalgia trip over at Youtube. And boy did it yield a gem, this time from Kajagoogoo.

Setting Gordon Gecko, Aha and Miami Vice to one side, there is nothing as 80s as this video. It's got a conceptual storyline, 4 men in trench coats and pork pie hats playing 'intrusive media', AND its got Kenny Everett.

There are some particularly hardcore 80s moves from Mr Limahl around the 1:23 and 2:55 mark. Sadly, no cartoon speech bubble was inserted inviting Limahl to explain what the fuck he thinks he's playing at. An unforgivable oversight.

But no matter how many times we watch, it can't lift us from this funk. Godspeed Tony Hart - so altogether now Haaaaaarrrt Beeeeeat!

An ‘emotional’ Obama Day...

2009-01-22T01:56:00.001Z

Obama Day was nearly a disaster for so many reasons. US Chief Justice John Roberts succumbed to stage fright and fluffed his lines – that might have been disastrous.

But perspective please! This wasn’t a life or death situation. Oh, no. But these were. From Robert Byrd collapsing and Ted Kennedy having another funny turn while attending the same lunch, and Dick 'Strangelove' Cheney appearing in a wheelchair.

But we’re pleased to report that all are still with us. Best of health for 2009 lads!

PS. Describing anyone as ‘emotional’ is hack speak for ‘pissed’. Describing anyone as ‘tired and emotional’ is hack speak for ‘totally pissed’. So on review when Robert Byrd's ‘emotional’ episode was later linked to non-medical related issue, we're confident he’ll just sleep it off. But best wishes to Ted and Dick...

The History of Barnet Pt II: Hillary Clinton...

2009-01-22T01:34:00.004Z

Some people take hair parting in politicians very seriously, writes our Roving Undercover Reporter (hi Cathy! Oops!).

Take the New York Daily News. They’ve produced the definitive history of Hillary’s barnet in 16 photographs. And what the heck, take the thoughts of the heroically christened Jake Tapper (Balls! 11.01.). As he rightly observes:

Perhaps the most infamous hair part switch in modern political history took place in 1979, when then-President Jimmy Carter switched from right to left. White House barber Milton Pitts was "aghast" after Carter's shift in do, "confiding to friends, 'That guy is not going to last.'

Will Hills last at State? What can this mean for Gerry ‘Sweet Sweep' Adams?

We only deal with the big questions here at Bobballs...

Newsflash: Man photographed in Washington

2009-01-22T00:25:00.006Z

Amazing scenes on the US Eastern Seaboard as a man with new-look, confident side-shade was spotted at the inauguration of President Barry in Washington DC.

In a moment of unprecedented access, the man – along with just 2 million people and global television audience entering billions – was at times almost certainly just within several hundred metres/25,000 people of the President during an intimate ceremony.

Mirroring Barry’s soaring rhetoric, the man said: “Hold the frontpage! Apart from 2 million bystanders and a global audience numbering in the billions, just me and 240,000 people received actual invites to be here. Rush the evidence to the picture desk immediately!”

Our fearless reporters have captured the historic moment when the man later met with President Barry (No. That would be news. This would be Congressman Richard Neal. Ed.).

Man (60) pictured with Congressman Neal.

PS. Our favourite pic in circulation is this one below. If you ignore the man (60) with attractive newlook side-shade and beard with added pinch of approachability, the muppet above his left shoulder is doing a 'jazz hands' pic with his wife. Has it come to this Gerry? Not rubbing shoulders with statesmen but instead blowing about at the end of show with the out-of-towners.

Some people may look at these pics and see an international figure with access and profile. Fair enough. But Staff at Bobballs are struck by the image of a man who cuts a rather lonely figure. Still, that side-shade totally rocks. High-fives Ger!

Gerry Adams and the history of Barnet...

2009-01-21T01:46:00.004Z

Just going through Sinn Fein's First Dail site. Pretty impressive effort at first glance - looks good guys!

But Staff at Bobballs came across the video of Gerry & Mary Lou and did a double take. What on Earth has happened to the Adams barnet?

Is that a brand new side-shade? Of course it goes without saying that it sweeps in from the far left and it carries less fringe than it used to, but looks good Ger!

Have Adams's handler gone through the same contortions as Cameron's once did? The Cameron barnet has gone through some magnificent permutations in its time.

Cameron: prefers the Left

We know that Gerry is open to sporting new things. So what brought on the change Ger?

Whatever the reasoning, it softens him up a bit and lends the beard an added pinch of approachability. Wait a minute... new haircut... hanging out with Barry... could Adams be going for the presidency?!? (Okay, the 20 TDs thing is a set back - but who can deny that irresistible, jaunty new side-shade?)

The Order of the day...

2009-01-21T00:53:00.006Z

Recently Staff at Bobballs floated a conspiracy theory about David McNarry (Balls! 17.01). Well, we'd like to modify it.

In the original piece we suggested that the Lion of Strangford was making statements of considerable empathy with the DUP. In fact, we went on to speculate whether David was making public his empathy as part of rutting display for the benefit of the DUP press office. We asked whether he was issuing a kind of 'come-and-get-me' plea before jumping ship to the DUP.

Having reflected on this at some length, maybe we've been looking in the wrong place. Could it be that David's new barely coherent comments (eg. that speech) may in fact be intended for another DUP-supporting organisation... the Orange Order!??!

David is the Assistant Grand Master of the Orange Order. Is there soon to be vacancy at the top of the Order? If so, is this MLA using a position granted him by the electorate as platform to win election to the OO?

Can't find any further info on the election of Grand Masters in the OO. But perhaps the UUP's European campaign isn't the only election on McNarry's mind at the moment? Just a thought...

APNI repo men kick in door of the Oval Office...

2009-01-20T23:44:00.021Z

So the DUP have noticed the arrival of Barack Obama. The Alliance Party have spotted that one 'an all. But nothing on the UUP site in relation to the world's biggest news story today! Courageous news judgment there lads, sure it'll be forgotten in a week.

However, I did like the Farry statement. In fact I wonder how long APNI has been running presidential candidates within the Democratic National Caucus... because Obama is clearly a signed up member of the Alliance Party.

According to Farry, Barack will bring new hope for a 'shared future' and integrated education in Northern Ireland. January 20 has been really great for APNI and they obviously gain superb validation of their policies. Well done lads!

Dare we now look forward to Barack wheeling in behind on APNI over issues like the Hightown Landfill (Balls! 20.12)? I'll leave that last one with you Stephen...

PS. Headline of the week comes from the UUP. According to the vote-leaky Ulster Unionists:

Underachievement should be addressed

Quite so. That 2005 election result took a bit of time to sink in, eh? Still, nice of you to join us!

Erm... for anyone thinking this was a new strategic direction for the UUP, sadly this statement merely turns out to be a long excursus on early years learning. Shame.

PPS. Staff at Bobballs wonder if Obama can match with deeds the quality of his soaring rhetoric. I mean, can the agents of global Change really be led by someone called Barry?

There was only ever one Barry (and we called him 'The One' long before you turned up mate). Staff at Bobballs have marked your card President Barry, you'll have to work pretty hard to turn this one around.

No more Wrath from Khan...

2009-01-18T10:17:00.007Z

The roll of honour for inconsequential icons of the 80s continues... so farewell Ricardo Montalban!

Ricardo's film career began in the 40s - and because he looked a bit foreign he got lots of work as '3rd Indian brave' and '2nd Japanese bystander'. And while we think Ricardo's most important work came in 1988 playing Vincent Ludwig, no doubt he will be remembered best for playing Khan.

Muscles + Wrath = Montalban

Ricardo's career-defining role in the most important of all sci-fi franchises led to Trekkies finding one weird aspect to this inconsequential icon to discuss for years on end. According to Wikipedia:

There were some questions initially as to whether Montalban had had prosthetic muscles applied to his chest during filming of Star Trek II to make him appear more muscular, on account of his being over 60 years old at the time. Montalban and others associated with the production of Star Trek II have disputed this, most notably Leonard Nimoy in his book I Am Spock, citing the fact that he was always physically active and worked out regularly, and those really were his muscles.

Now he's working out with The London Boys (Balls! 14.01) in the great gym in the sky. Godspeed Ricardo...

Newsflash: Putin in French prostitute shame!

2009-01-18T00:14:00.017Z

Another World Exclusive!

I was reading through an old issue of French Elle, writes our Undercover Reporter (hi Cathy! ooops!), and they were comparing Vladimir Putin with Illya Kuryakin , but they'd spelled his surname as 'Poutine' and I was wondering... why?!

******************
Putain: Putin ***** ****S**********Putin: Kyrakin

When I realised, it's because 'Putin' pronounced in the French way sounds like their word for prostitute. Vladimir Prostitute! So they're being polite by using this alternative spelling.

He must know that every time he appears on TV, half of Europe, several Canadian cities and large swathes of Africa are laughing. He has the face of a man who KNOWS he has a very demeaning surname in a widely-used language.

Of course, the other half of Europe isn't laughing at all, and will have invented several other new names for him recently.

The New York Times adds the depth that we tend to avoid here at Bobballs. So there it is, Putin in French prostitute shame.

PS. What?! An actual prostitute? Are you kiddin'? This was the ol' Okay! switcheroo - I write misleading bollocks in the headline so as to entice readers into my web. What? Besides, I take milk and two sugars in my tea - hold the plutonium Putain!!

Looking good guys!

2009-01-17T02:08:00.010Z

And elsewhere from the Bel Tel pic archive, we came across this gem from 1972. Check out those crazee young Turks! But wait... my goodness, isn't that Sir Reg Empey (front row, second from right) and Lord David Trimble (second row, second from right)? What are they doing amongst those Vanguard ruffians? And Reg, I've never seen plaid worn so, erm, conservatively.

So where are they now?

Well, Reg is now a children's TV presenter. Kids just love those big signs. And David? Well he's replacing Big Bird on Sesame Street. His new character, The Great Albatross, is sure to be a big hit with viewers. Here's David with young Albatross fan Fabian Richter in Bath. Best of luck for 2009 chaps!

PS. Is that a comb-over Reg is sporting? But... isn't he in his 20s here?

Lovely couple, lots of fun...

2009-01-17T01:54:00.008Z

An update to that news story about a police investigation into Iris Robinson likening homosexuals to child abusers. But look more closely on that page.. isn't there a random pic alongside it.

Why it's hubbie and First Minister Peter packing an 'A to the K' and looking like he's begging some suckas to come flex!

According to the Bel Tel this pic was taken in the Middle East in 1984. Staff at Bobballs happily reproduce the photo just in case it somehow drops off the story page.

The Robinsons... lovely couple, lots of fun.

The kinda thing that makes you believe in Jesus...

2009-01-17T01:45:00.002Z

Rossnowlagh, Co Donegal.

A good day for the Footsie - as McNarry takeover is rumoured...

2009-01-17T01:24:00.003Z

Initially, Staff at Bobballs weren’t going to look at the McNarry liberalisto thing (I thought an exasperated reply on threethousandversts was comment enough... sorry Chekov!).

But then we saw the DUP’s statement.

Now, we're not conspiracy theorists (yes, you are. Ed.) but these statements of empathy have the look of footsie. Is McNarry looking to jump to the DUP?

It goes without saying that McNarry has no genuine politics whatsoever. He’s largely an aggressive retort to media headlines and people he thinks might be (cocktail-drinking) unionist pooftahs.

So, let's dumb it down a bit (we're thinking of you David!) because the Weir statement is where the politics lies.

The DUP are happy to push out harder and harder pro-OO statements. Why? Because they know the UUP cannot follow them. The Tory deal means the UUP are definitely not a subset of the Orange Order, and that McNarry (as the OO's Deputy Grand Master) is an increasingly isolated voice within the UUP. McNarry's just the wrong fit - and the DUP are trying to show him that.

Why is he the wrong fit? Well, the Tories are desperate to avoid sectarianising their vote. They want the UUP link-up to demonstrate breadth of UK representation (so as to exploit the West Lothian question and relegate Scottish MPs .ie. Gordon Brown). They do not want this link to lead to intra-unionist deals that make some UK citizens (nationalists) feeling alienated and excluded from having a voice in Parliament (FST?).

The Tories cannot be associated with suggestions of disenfranchisement of Catholics in NI (cos that's how it'll get portrayed). And because the Tories cannot risk the damage of sectarianising their vote, they in actuality cannot tolerate people like David McNarry -because that’s what David is all about.

I think McNarry realises this too. He has no relevance inside a UUP party that is restrained from sectarian/tribal politics by the Tory party. Hence his ‘liberalisto’ speech.

I think this is the start of footsie with the DUP. We’re willing to bet that 2009 is the last year that the UUP membership roll contains the name ‘McNarry’.

Great reporting (again) from Belfast Media Group!

2009-01-17T00:56:00.001Z

It seems the Housing Executive probably thought the questions were spurious and didn’t want to waste money on them. But that’s not how it works.

So, not only do they get to tackle myriad local concerns but they invite scorn with an unreasonable response to a seemingly reasonable request. Ooops. Staff at Bobballs would love to see the follow up (and surely this story will be a great enticement for other media??)

A floating voter writes...

2009-01-17T00:21:00.003Z

Staff at Bobballs are not Tories. But there is much to admire in Cameron’s Tory Party. Take the green launch today – what timing!

Sure, Iain Dale don’t like the Heathrow thing but, with this green launch in the background, the Villiers opposition has the appearance of principle and not political expediency... when this is one issue where only expediency matters.

A sound economic case based on excruciating metrics is completely irrelevant – sensing where the public mood lies is clearly what’s at stake. And the Tories have largely nailed it... with the possible exception of Patrick Hennessey.

(Erm... come election time who cares about the 15 month-old considered, circumspect and intricate transport policy of Opposition? Anyone remember a John Smith transport policy, sexy or otherwise? And wasn’t Boris Johnston always going to blow a big fat hole in a subtlely nuanced non-position? And how could the Tories lose the mayor of London on a quintessentially London issue? Villiers & Cameron made the right call.).

Labour, though, have totally flunked this test of media opinion. Check out that Monbiot endorsement! Though, didn’t Monbiot advocate something akin to a smart grid in his book Heat (ta for that Burkes Corner!)? So, Geordie seems plenty thrilled. Which is nice.

The Tories approached the media handling pretty smartly. This was always going to receive MSM treatment but the Tories played upon the virtue of an exclusively online launch. Then I liked the choice of media. The online interviewer was from The Indo and the teaser interview was with The Guardian. Great choices.

If green issues dominate your politics, these are your media. And yes, the primary audience is the green voter but my goodness the Tories have just nailed a great spread of coverage for marginals’ audiences.

Which brings me back to Labour. Because they’re all over the place. How will this bollocks commend Labour in a marginal? ‘Large, inherited wealth’? Why does this enjoy opprobrium of Labour? Are you no longer comfortable with rich people?

If I generate wealth, I certainly want my children to inherit it. If I generate a lot of wealth I’ll be delighted to pass it on to my children. Maybe I’ll receive the gratitude of my children but I'll clearly receive the smug, palm off from my government. This is stuff is just appalling – which apparatchik will be brave enough to think that this is going to make life difficult for the Tories online?

Bottomline – while the Tories win with their green message, Labour is losing with theirs. Chuck in that dumb crap about opposition to inherited wealth (er... isn't maintaining the continuum of wealth how economies are built and sustained?), and well, up yours Derek!

Another military endgame plays out as Gaza burns

2009-01-15T02:00:00.001Z

We came across this piece from Al Jazeera. Hadn't quite realised how far Sri Lankan government troops had come in recent months.

According to the report, 350,000 people are being driven into a pocket around Mulliativu. Then comes shots of the huge artillery piece. When civilians and combatants are pushed into such proximity surely deploying diplomacy is more important than payload.

An overwhelming military victory looks assured for the Israeli and Sri Lankan governments. They brought their enemies to heel but they brought war to civilians.

This is difficult stuff, and we're not expert on the local politics. Artillery and fast jets are appropriate in battle plans but surely not in built up areas where civilians cannot vacate the 'battlefield'.

How is it possible that the international community of nations are so supine or disjointed in their defence of blameless/innocent human life that ceasefires cannot be installed in areas densely packed with non-combatants?

He played No6, but he was always No1...

2009-01-15T01:14:00.006Z

Fa rewell Patrick McGoohan... His work with really big ping pong balls in Wales during the 60s really inspired us here at Bobballs (see picture of McGoohan and big ping pong ball, above right).

But we think his portrayal of Longshanks in Braveheart offers up some of his finest screen moments.

***********************

[Instead of crushing the Scots, a slightly miffed Longshanks finds that his 'sensitive' son prefers poncing about with a well-trousered chap in his late 20s. Well-trousered chaps tries to advise Longshanks...]

Longshanks: Who is this who speaks to me as though I needed his advice?
Prince Edward: I have named Phillip my high councilor.
Longshanks: Are you qualified?
Phillip: I am well skilled in the arts of war and military tactics, sire.
Longshanks: Really? What advice would you give on the present...situation?

[Whereupon he chucks well-trousered chap out the highest window of the tallest tower and administers a merciless 'who's-the-daddy' type beating to 'sensitive' son.]

*************************

[On battlefield, and looking slightly bored that he still hasn't won yet, McGoohan issues the following order...]

Longshanks: Archers.
General: I beg your pardon, sire. Won't we hit our own troops?
Longshanks: Yes, but we'll hit theirs as well. We have reserves. Attack.

************************

You may have played 'Number 6' but you were always 'Number 1' round here. We liked the sly wit you brought to everything you did. Godspeed Patrick 'Longshanks' McGoohan...

FOLLOW UP: How do we learn stuff...

2009-01-14T00:13:00.010Z

FOLLOW UP: While Staff at Bobballs were emoting about the environmental implications of our Googling habit (Balls! 12.01), other fearless reporters (hi Cathy!) were Googling the real story behind Tripitaka.

The real story isn't a jolly one. We now hear that the actor/actress that played her/him died in 1985 from acute leukemia. We totally didn't know about that. In fact we kinda hoped that he / she might end up with the funnyman actor who played Monkey.

But the bonfire of the vanities moment continued. It appears the roll of honour for assorted inconsequential cultural icons of the 80s is enormous... so much so that.... it includes Falco! We remember him for such movie soundtracks as Amadeus. Jeez...

Similarly we completely missed the tragic deaths of The London Boys. Their breakthrough single still defies description.

And how did we miss the death of the icon who so obviously modelled his career on being a taller Yoda?

It's alot to take in. Still, as long as this guy stays sunny side up then all is not lost.

PS. First Tripitaka then The London Boys... how quickly things once so vital are erased and we start again, as like frailest palimpsest. Yes, there are no retread childhoods - once they are worn through they are set to one side. The panoply of one's youth fades to faint-sounding echoes, behind the din of downturns and bills to pay. My god, Lord Google has taught us something about our own mortality. And on reflection I think that kind of successfully administered online therapy/maudlin & indulgent new age self-realisation is actually worth the deaths of the odd polar bear or two. Am I right??

All hail Lord Google!! Up yours Ursus Maritimus!!

SDLP - misleading the public since January 4!

2009-01-13T22:58:00.006Z

We know the SDLP have been misleading the public since January 04. Or at least, PC knew that the SDLP have been talking balls about their MEP candidate holding strategy meetings on trains.

Check out this pic, which was taken in 2007. Now check out the front of the SDLP website. My goodness they're similar. Looks like Pat and Alban held their MEP strategy meeting about 18 months before Alban was selected as a candidate. Mmmm...

This is how we replied to PC on January 4.

In some organisations, passing off old footage as a new story leads to resignations - to which James Furlong can testify.
Yes, reaching into the archive is commonplace but captioning it up like this is just plain dishonest isn't it? Wonder what Alban thinks of press offices that dissminate misleading and inaccurate information to the electorate during an election campaign??
For sake of proportion, s'pose this is a relatively minor transgression, but embarrassing enough when you get caught out. Kicking off 2009 with the kind of whopper Burger King might be proud of. Not good.

Think this remains just as true as the pic & caption on the frontpage of the SDLP website remains just as dishonest. Change it/stop lying please!

PS. Yes, we know,this was a political-party-in-not-telling-the-truth shocker.

PPS. Next week: Bear sh*ts in woods... a world exclusive!

Derek and Daily Mail dominos...

2009-01-13T22:14:00.003Z

Gordy must be kicking himself. You spend all that time courting the Daily Mail then this happens. Then the Labour Party follows this one up by being unable to confirm whether this lifelong member of the Labour Party is a member of the Labour Party.

Dumb and spineless in one story. Result!

PS. Still, Lib Dems are making useful in-roads...

Early election? Ask Dave Grohl and Keith Flint...

2009-01-13T20:42:00.020Z

Well done FT, what a great graphic!

At Lehman collapse, Cameron heads earthwards and Broon slips the surly bonds of earth and heads to the heavens.

Yes, on September 15 Lehman collapsed. But we think the FT have missed something. On September 15, The Streets' fourth album 'Everything is Borrowed' hit the shelves. Then convergence occurs. Coincidence?

Here we are on January 13 and Tories are moving ahead again. On January 13 Gorillaz debut a number of new demos on Radio 1. Coincidence? We think not.

Staff at Bobballs wonder what impact Dave Grohl's appearance on The Prodigy's new album will have on prospects for an early UK election.

According to Liam Howlett:

You know what we deal with: it’s beats in a predominantly electronic style and it’s full of fucked - up guitars!

Clearly, the potential impact of this album on the political life of the UK could be enormous. Staff at Bobballs are preparing for a major world exclusive on March 2...

PS. We think that, after all the balls that's been indulged about the general election, the 'Bobballs Bo Selecta Method' would be just as reliable as listening to insiders, or media guys or Prime Ministers et al. We're sick and tired of meaningless prattering from pseudo-know-it-alls. Wouldn't find that kind of thing round my way! Sort it out.

PPS. Staff at Bobballs are obviously disappointed by the dotted line snaking around at the bottom of the graphic. We think ol' Daithi might have been right. (Oh, Daithi mate - when you said you were missing Charley, you were referring to the politician and not the er... the Colombian export product, right? Sure you were, I'm just kiddin', you're all right!)

How do we learn stuff without killing polar bears?

2009-01-12T00:27:00.004Z

Staff at Bobballs are feeling guilty. Apparently, doing a Google search is a bit like sitting behind the steering wheel of the Exon Valdez. Okay, that’s an exaggeration. Instead think of being behind the wheel of a really tiny Valdez with little ickle sailors. That’s right, environmental timebomb!

According to this terrifying report in the Sunday Times, a single Google search contributes to such a whirr of energy use in data centres that it’s the equivalent to releasing 7g of carbon into the atmosphere. For scale, boiling the kettle costs around 15g for carbon. So:

when I Googled ‘Britney Spears’ – 7g.
when I Googled ‘Britney Spears + bonkers’ – 7g.
when I Googled ‘Britney Spears + asparagus spears’ – 7g.
when I Googled all my ex-girlfriends – 35g. (At first, I thought that figure was totally pathetic. But an inability to pull in my teens-slash-early-20s had the long-term benefit of preserving carbon emissions and so save the planet. So not so much of a spineless loser, but more a kind of environmental activist/hero.)
when I Google-imaged ‘Tripitaka + Monkey Magic’ – 7g.
when I Google-blogged ‘Britney Spears + Tripitaka’, then put the kettle on – 15g.
when I Googled ‘Swayze + cancer’; or ‘Peter Mandelson + smug twat’; or 'Exon Valdez'; or when my two-year-old son Googled ‘Ccccnneraasrtadgdfd’ this morning... it cost us a piece of the planet.

For work and other things, I worship daily at the altar of Lord Google. Have done for years. Should I recant? What am I to do? What would George Monbiot do? (And, ironically, does he write books on the environment based on research carried out through the carbon releasing Google search engine? I think we should be told.)

How do we learn stuff without killing polar bears? It’s the dilemma I never thought I’d face...

How deed poll could improve journalism here...

2009-01-11T11:13:00.005Z

Below are the some of the new names to the Washington press pool:

Chuck Todd (NBC)
Jake Tapper (ABC)
Chip Reid (CBS)
Ed Henry (CNN)
Bret Baier / Major Garrett (Fox)

These are striking, handsome-sounding names. You just know you’re getting fearless reporting from a Jake Tapper. And after a Major Garrett files copy you know he’s out saving cats in trees and helping old ladies across dangerous roads.

What do we have in our Stormont press pool? The best we got is Gareth ‘Flash’ Gordon. Instead of Chip Reid, we got Ken Reid. And surely a Noel McAdam delivers the papers, he doesn’t make them.

Guys, seriously. Staff at Bobballs urges political hacks everywhere to requisition some heroic names for 2009. Why not a Zac McAdam, or a Mark Zapper; or a Hancock Dempster?

Otherwise, keep up the good work lads!

PS. Sure there may be changes afoot in Beltway reporting, but nothing can replace the loss of this man. At Bobballs we called him TOTUS! That's right, 'Tim of the United States'. He was the only Tim that mattered. Godspeed TOTUS...

Erm... Parades... wha?

2009-01-10T01:08:00.004Z

Staff at Bobballs referred to language below. But does anyone speak Copeland? (Just as Linear B was lost for so long, we suspect that this particular piece of Copeland may be completely untranslatable.)

It's a desperate thing when a story only begins to make sense when David McNarry starts talking... Jeez.

And Lo, there much wailing and gnashing of teeth...

2009-01-10T00:53:00.003Z

So Anna Lo has set up this website. Yes, a praiseworthy idea - with great accessbility. But will many people really go to a site where an MLA is this right on?

What information do we get from the site? What engaging narrative? What personal perspective? Well, here goes...

Realise this is a constituency site, but sorry Anna, surely it needs a stamp of some character. Staff at Bobballs like to pick through a personality and not a right-on reality generator. Why come here when I can get right-on statements from David 'Year of Our' Ford on the main party site?

Why not try to do something like this? It’ll take this guy a while to loosen up but we think he’s got potential.

What’s this all about?

2009-01-10T00:31:00.002Z

Staff at Bobballs recognise SDLP Councillor Matthew McDermott from his stand on the Ruane spiel about Bobby Sands in a school.

Now McDermott is speaking out against Sinn Fein re. a visit by Ogra Sinn Fein to the site of the Narrow Water bombing. His statement is covered pretty well in the News Letter and is posted up on the SDLP site.

We know the SDLP Euro candidate is targeting the UUP seat. We also know that Matthew McDermott is an advisor to the SDLP Euro candidate. So are his statements all part of a big plan to make the SDLP/Alban look good for easy transfers? Are the SDLP using McDermott to gently tac towards unionist/centrist voters?

While Staff at Bobballs rarely accept at face value anything that smacks of courage from a politician during an election year, we can’t but be impressed by McDermott’s assuredness and willingness to speak his mind irrespective of the discomfort it may cause.

No doubt that McDermott is making no real departure from SDLP policy. He's not saying anything essentially new, but he's picks his moments better than most. The end result is that he’s won himself a great channel into the unionist media... erm... but he’s not making any reference to Alban.

Why not? What’s this all about?

Feeling a bit tender...

2009-01-09T23:42:00.003Z

Not a great week. Not a great way to enter 2009. Staff at Bobballs have been involved in three tenders and a pitch for new business.

When exhaustion dulled out the rest of the world for a bit, we found ourselves thinking of the humble procurement guy. We wondered what it must be like to be on the receiving end of these tender responses? What does it feel waiting for serious incoming from PR agencies...

Do you read the ‘magnum tender opus’ like a book?
Do you set aside the creative bit, the creds and case studies and move directly to the costs?
Or are you ever moved by the linguistic dexterity of a PR company trying to understand your requirement?
Maybe it’s an exciting thing to consider the perspective your organisation excites in others?
When you see really great ideas incorporated into the matrix of ‘methodology’ or ‘strategic planning’ bits, do you get very excited?
Or do these tenders nearly always read the same?

Staff at Bobballs are concerned that like Hungarian or Finnish or Basque, ‘tender language’ might be moving beyond the commonality of normal idiom. Is PR 'tender language' cutting its family ties with ordinary English?

PR guys refer to the importance of understanding the needs of target audiences, stakeholders etc etc. And yet I’ve never had a conversation with procurement personnel. What about the guy that deals with all this PR verbiage? Is admission to pitch always an endorsement of tendering skills? Seriously, how are we doing? Are tender responses always tedious?

The skill of composing a tender document is learned in isolation. Each PR company must have evolved its own culture and language. How do we know if tenders collectively are evolving into rarefied genius or excessively jargonised rubbish?

Or maybe none of this amounts to a whole hill of beans. In the act of completing a tender maybe you demonstrate your commitment/willingness to pitch. Therefore by virtue of your submission you are subsequently invited to pitch... and nothing else matters.

On reflection the above is clearly the exigency of tender fatigue. But still, if you’ve been on the receiving end, please do drop us a line...

A heart-warming story? It must bee!

2009-01-07T01:08:00.002Z

Way to go Banbridge Leader for publishing one of the most heart-warming stories Staff at Bobballs have come across in some time.

Michael Young's comments are full of love for this family and passion for teaching. This story isn't about honey bees, oh no. It's about happy, humbling and generous humanity. Haven't felt this way since we saw The Field of Dreams. Pass the handy andies... what a great story!

The UUP has made an internal, structural decision? Get me Michelle McIlveen on the phone!

2009-01-07T00:28:00.007Z

So the UUP and Tories have created the joint committee that will push forward merger plans. Fair enough.

The News Letter reports this then goes on to devote one-third of its story to a statement by Michelle McIlveen which was published in full on the party website at around the same time. Why? (Or do we mean 'who'?)

Why should the by-the-numbers, repetitive bashing from the DUP necessarily be a core part of this story? Why were there no better options to get under the skin of the story? Why just take two press releases and run them together?

Why not try to get James Leslie on the line? What a perspective he could give on all this! Why not call Maginnis and put McIlveen's comment to him.

Instead of publishing the invective, why not investigate the reasoning? Y'know, that old journalism maxim of shining a light into dark corners etc. No?

Maginnis's response would undoubtedly be more readable than re-reading the same statement the DUP press office has been issuing for the past 6 months. Why is the DUP's hurt and upset necessarily part of a story about the UUP and the Tory Party? It makes no sense.

PS. We're also not sure about Michelle's reference to the 'North Down Supper Club'. Politically active centre right people in North Down amount to a supper club? Is she being rude about North Down? Or the centre right? Do Alex Easton and Peter Weir think its okay to deride centre-right voters of North Down so smugly?

Can she be serious? How will this silly, patronising cliche help the DUP to, erm, continue 'winning friends in all parties in the House of Commons'? Why must we endure all this bollocks about unionist unity when the DUP thinks the next UK government (which is not neutral on the union) is just a big supper club? And WTF is a supper club?

HINT: Press officer wot wrote that crap - total bile mate, not politics. North Down Supper Club? Seriously, do us all a favour...

Most pointless story of 2009 already published... in Coleraine!

2009-01-07T00:10:00.005Z

The search string 'most pointless blog' returns over 1,000 hits on a Google blog search. And yes, some of these returns are clearly pointless. But Google is not aware of the Coleraine Times...

Pray silence for the most-pointless-blog-slash-most-redundant-list in cyber history.

Entitled 'Top Ten Stories on the Coleraine Times website' it contains no hyperlinks. That's right, no hyperlinks. Nothing. Nip. Oh, and its doesn't mention how the ranking was arrived at (no page impressions... nothing... NIP!)

So what the Coleraine Times has actually done is find a list of inaccessible statements and attach them to some meaningless numbers then publish same on their website for media consumers to enjoy at their leisure.

Staff at Bobballs like the fifth meaningless entry best of all:

Christmas wishes from 5. across the globe

Eh? Seriously, sort it out Coleraine Times!

PS. The Coleraine Times then goes on to remind us why we love good local newspapers. This sort of thing is golddust. We love it that Tony Barnhill went for a walk and captured this scene - then considered his local newspaper so familiar and such a vital part of his community that more people could appreciate and enjoy a dazzling perspective of their townland. Keep sending those pics in Coleraine... great stuff!

DUP MEP candidate shocker!! (Erm... if true??)

2009-01-06T23:39:00.010Z

Yip, time for Staff at Bobballs to rock up with some unnecessary and unsubstantiated speculation on the DUP’s Euro candidate.

So here it is. We spotted this and thought... hang on, that’s interesting!

So Donaldson and Poots do this ‘save our old people’ campaign event (top voting demographic... solid numbers... smart move...), supply some visible patronage/endorsement to seasoned campaigner Paul Stewart then issue press material which gives him profile.

On this basis, ‘Total Cainer’ – our Bobballs in-house Jonathan Cainer –predicts the DUP MEP candidate will be either Edwin Poots or Jeffrey Donaldson. And Total Cainer’s unsubstantiated Hail Mary guesswork – and he’s going way long on this one – probably edges towards Pootsie as the candidate. (Are we really posting this up? Ed.)

Our conspiracy theory runs that Donaldson or Poots is preparing to run in the Euro elections and will be prepared to resign as an MLA. Therefore a successor is being groomed in the DUP stronghold constituency (*stop sniggering at the back*) to win easy acceptance to the Assembly.

Hence the magisterial intervention of Paul Stewart at the Trust. Going in on an easy issue (opposing the destitution of our gallant senior citizens... on the back of a big, popular local petition) might be the start of something.

If Paul Stewart turns up anywhere else anytime soon then we expect immediate induction into the Royal Observer Corp and VIP admission into the Society of Astrologers (with Oak Leaves, Clusters and Bar).

If Paul Stewart quietly puts his feet up and does nothing else in 2009, and we’re totally wrong, then Staff at Bobballs reserve the right to quietly erase this crazeee prediction faster than you can say ‘Hail Mary guesswork’.

So what’s it gonna be Paul? What’re gonna do Edwin? Do you feel lucky Jeffrey? (And what the f**k is Total Cainer still doing in the building?)

Nick Clegg's New Year message

2009-01-04T23:53:00.001Z

What the heck, why not a quick word from Cleggers?

Green investment, public transport and tax cuts. He's moving in from the left and all over Cameron territory.

Shows how listless Tories have become when Lib Dems can reasonably inhabit this space (people have now forgetten/don't care that this is the position from which Cameron emerged three years ago).

Still, half of this is good - describing Tories and Labour as 'prisoners of their own special interests' is good stuff. Mittal, Deripaska etc etc

The second half - a flighty aspirational list of tedius nomative statements about what Britain should be - is just dull.

He's too deliberative, too earnest, too green, too darn needy. He so desperately wants to get it right, hence his tendency to go on a bit.

But Clegg's going in the right direction. Staff at Bobballs are less fixed by the direction in which he's travelling but more on the manner in which he travels. His communications people are clearly not playing in the same league as the Tories and Labour.

The very picture of sadness...

2009-01-04T12:31:00.005Z

Sinn Fein reps are the very picture of doleful regret at the death of TD Tony Gregory.

Adams refers to the painful blow of Gregory's death, and the SF press office/web guy uses the finest 'Friendly Gerry' picture to illustrate this:

'Gleaming choppers': Adams

Caoimhghín Ó Caoláin says that he is similarly upset. Alongside his statement of sympathy and sadness, the following has been published (and we think this captures Caoimhghín's sniggering beautifully):

'Sniggering twat': Ó Caoláin

PS. Always have a serious backup shot in the archive or publish the Party logo. For chrissakes never post up 'Gerry and Caoimhghín's Laughter Show' to commisserate with a family in mourning.

The Coleraine Chronicle asks...

2009-01-04T11:57:00.002Z

Will James Nesbitt be the next Doctor Who?

No.

It's still panto season... apparently

2009-01-04T09:58:00.008Z

In contrast to the SDLP statement, the UUP go into 2009 with another of those ‘oh-yes-you-are-oh-no-I’m-not’ Unionist pantomime statements.

According to the UUP Leader:

Peter Robinson has been given an airbrush for Christmas (chortle!)
the DUP are only interested in carve up (hijinks!)
the Executive is dominated by ‘ourselves alone’ parties (titter!).

Consider what the UUP is also saying in this statement:

We’re part of the Executive which ‘replaced the stress of the 11-plus with the multiple stress of two and possibly even three new tests for the pupils’
We’re a supine Executive partner which permits ‘the DUP and Sinn Fein to carve-up power rather than a genuine sharing of power for the benefit of Northern Ireland’
We lack the courage of our convictions because we tacitly accept this DUP/SF carve up by staying inside the Executive and doing what we’re told
We think Peter is handing over concessions – therefore we think this Executive is weakening Unionism but we tacitly accept this by staying inside the Executive and doing what we’re told.

Staff at Bobballs are concerned that there appears to be the hint of conflict between Reg’s pantomime concessions statements and his actions inside the Executive.

Surely if the UUP believed all the above they would be compelled to leave the Executive – and not institutionalise and normalise this carve up by continuously acceding to and signing off on Executive business which they clearly believe to be dodgy/serving DUP-SF rather than NI.

If the UUP persist in issuing statements like the above, while still sitting snugly around the Executive table, then surely people will conclude that either:

the UUP overlooks principles for the payola of Office; or
the UUP retains principles but know their own press statements greatly exaggerate the truth.

Alas, both positions evidence dishonesty and show a paucity of intellectual rigour.

For example, if the UUP actually want to take votes off the DUP, how will affirming that party's ability to deliver (carve up) power for its electors persuade people to leave them (in favour of a UUP that meekly allows this alleged corruption to continue without actively countering it)?

The UUP are telling everyone that the DUP are divvying up power (ie. the DUP are powerful), and saying that power is not being divvied up to them (ie. the UUP are powerless) - who will transfer to the UUP on this basis?

Staff at Bobballs are no political strategists but we suspect a change of tac is necessary. Much better to unpick the policy issues instead of issuing silly quips about airbrushes and chortling about concessions.

In order to show Reg how it should be done Staff at Bobballs have taken the liberty of faxing the Dolores Kelly statement over to Cunning Plan House. Happy New Year guys!

Stoops aim high, then get stoop-id

2009-01-04T00:37:00.005Z

SDLP start 2009 with a flourish. None of the usual assertions, accusations, suppositions, verbosity and pseudish/cheesy Durkanisms here. Oh no. Just good honest forensic politics.

Alas, the statement hasn’t made it up on the SDLP website yet, but the News Letter covers the Dolores Kelly statement in which she lists the issues backed up inside the dysfunctional Executive:

an action plan to address gender inequality
a review of the civic forum
a decision on the Maze
a Cohesion, Sharing and Inclusion Strategy for a shared future
a decision on a work plan for the Victims’ Commission, sent to OFMDFM months ago
a date for bringing forward the Single Equality Bill
a strategy for tackling poverty and social exclusion
an agreement on the membership of the programme board of the Strategic Investment Board
an assessment of the fall in property values and its impact on the public purse and Programme for Government.

And in highlighting (SDLP interests in) these issues she conveys something of the Party’s priorities and ownership of same. It’s a relatively simple but highly effective statement. It reassures Staff at Bobballs when politicians focus on policy issues and avoid the usual petty squabbling amongst rutting personalities.

PS. High-fives all round at SDLP HQ for kicking off our first Spot the Balls-up Competition of 2009.

Happy New Year

SDLP European Candidate Alban Maginness and Cllr Pat Convery plan for the year ahead on route a train for a meeting in Dublin

This mashed-up caption appears just above a link on the SDLP’s planned Bill to celebrate/preserve Irish and English as official languages of Northern Ireland. Staff at Bobballs don’t trust any organisation that claims an interest in language while serving up bollocks on the frontpage of its website.

And a great 2009 to...

2008-12-28T23:25:00.009Z

Tigerrouge - this is a Change Year. You're starting 2009 with magazine pubication. This is your year. Go get 'em.

Burke's Corner - this guy is our tip for political blogger in the Orwell Prize. From US to UK, from conservative to liberal (including the strains he doesn't like. ie. all of them...), to economic and the spiritual, he's covering it all. However he will insist in defending Colonel Blimp of Canterbury (Rowan Williams). Nonetheless, Burke's Corner niftily applies great historical perspectives like field dressing to the deep, deep wounds in the CoE body polity inflicted by ol' Blimpy.

The Baron - potential for a blog that straddles the transatlantic divide. On the cusp of settling into big stuff. Maybe you're like an coiled spring, a study in arrested motion up to Jan 20 then after that.... WHAMMY! Give your blog the same commitment as 'Lost' and the possibilities are endless. Oh yes.

Shuffling Geisha - don't let the bastards grind you down (Laura McLaughlin, eh? Go figure. Up yours APNI press office!). Nevertheless, you're right about most things. In 2009, just follow your gut...

DC - conservationist, syndico-anarchist, psephologist and strange West Brit in a strange land. We stare in shared horror at the ball-less UUP/Tory merger thing, but there's more to life than this. My friend, there are many more enormously, heart-breaking disappointments to look forward to in 2009! Oh yes.

Nick Clegg - FFS get it together in 2009. You're making me look stoopid. But what a talent! Up yours Cameron!

... there's more to come. But these will do for a start. Have a great 2009!

That familiar Xmas refrain: 'F**k off, I'm completely stuffed.'

2008-12-28T23:17:00.006Z

From Staff at Bobballs... Happy New Year!

And a very Merry Christmas from the Liberal Democrats! (That's right, up yours for 2009 Gordie!)

This was one of the best from a great piece in The Sindie.

WORLD EXCLUSIVE: Bel Tel prints bollocks!

2008-12-21T23:25:00.007Z

On Friday, the Belfast Telegraph scooped that Mandie was set to appear on Strictly Come Dancing. Staff at Bobballs thought this a curious story and pledged to f&^%$*g eat our hats if it so transpired.

Well, Saturday came and... Peter Mandelson did indeed appear on Strictly Come Dancing. But before we tuck into our hats, consider this:

RANDOM!
According to that Bel Tel scoop:
Former Northern Ireland Secretary Peter Mandelson is tipped to make a surprise guest appearance on the final of Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow night.
BOLLOCKS!
It went on:
The Secretary of State for Business is expected to take to the dancefloor alongside celebrities Lisa Snowdon, Rachel Stevens and Tom Chambers to wow the crowd in a Christmas extravaganza.

CREDULOUS!
Indeed, this was quite some exclusive. A world exclusive in fact. Because no one else in the world went near this story. Anywhere. That’s not say something of this story hadn’t appeared widely in another form.

Mandelson admits Strictly envy
Mandelson would love to be asked on Strictly Come Dancing
Lord of the Dance: Peter Mandelson on Strictly Come Dancing?
Poll: Should Peter Mandelson do Strictly Come Dancing?

So there was a comfy lattice of speculative stories to place this world exclusive upon, right?

TOSH!
Back to the Bel Tel and cue New Labour tosh from Derek Draper:
[Peter is] one of those rare people who can dance flamboyantly while looking rather cool.
That was the point where the whiff of random bollocks became quite overpowering. Then as Peter’s office revealed to the Bel Tel:
Peter has been provided with a couple of tickets for the show, but that doesn’t mean to say he’s going to go.
Okay, cut the crap: is he dancing or is he sitting in an audience?

FISHED IN!
The Times reported that Mandelson attended the final ‘after cheekily suggesting that he would like to join the contestants’. But it seems that only the Belfast Telegraph reported that cheeky suggestion as serious news.

Apparently:
Lord Mandelson, 55, was given a ringside seat for the ballroom showdown with his goddaughter Matilda, 12, daughter of the novelist Robert Harris.
So to recap...

Mandelson to make surprise appearance and dance alongside Lisa Snowdon. (Totally made-up bollocks.)
Mandelson takes goddaughter to sit in audience of television programme. (Less interesting truth.)

Why was this so difficult spot? Which muppet is responsible for unleashing this onto the newspages of NI’s national newspaper?

One thing cannot be denied - the New Labour spin machine has a very long reach.

Farewell to all that...

2008-12-20T11:12:00.004Z

Staff at Bobballs do not think that the SDLP are planning to leave the Executive in the immediate future. But we do think there's a heightened tendency/attitude towards opposition within SDLP quarters.

Perhaps one day it will lead to a decision to exit the Executive (Balls! 14.12), but at the moment there is a distinct froideur coming from our friends in the SDLP.

Were they to leave the Executive, Staff at Bobballs wonder if it would not be terminal for the Executive. Could SF really stay inside as minority partner helping administer majoritarian Unionist rule?

Surely, the Executive could suffer the loss of all other parties from the Executive but not the SDLP. They have a uniquely strong card to play. But under what possible circumstances could they play it and for what gain?

[While polls show that the UUP are being rewarded by voters for being in government, the SDLP have earned no such pay off. But what gain to remain in? The fear of impending death has the power to overthrow logic, right Reg!?! By staying in do they contrive to hasten their own downfall?]

Staff at Bobballs hold the SDLP in high esteem (Balls passim). But we wonder what's going on in there. Are we starting to get a glimpse of the SDLP's poker face? Will we hold that in similarly high esteem?

Great reporting from Belfast Media Group (Pt II)

2008-12-20T03:17:00.005Z

The Alliance Party were out this week talking up the significance of a green recovery plan authored by their sister Party in GB. The Lib Dem plan is good and Farry is on the money here.

Sadly, Alliance Party Leader David Ford wasn't quite so nimble of foot earlier this week over Hightown Landfill! As the Belfast Media Group reveals this week:

MLA is talking rubbish about landfill says owner

Erm... the owner of Hightown Landfill is angrily protesting that the business remains in operation after Mr Ford welcomed its closure on Tuesday.

It appears that the landfill is closed to waste material, but it can still receive restoration material. Cue outrage from business owner who claims to have assisted in the economic recovery of surrounding area.

The Irish News also reported the story (accurately but sadly without the assistance of Laura McLaughlin).

Great reporting from Belfast Media Group - getting beneath press releases and official statements to tease out local colour from the story.

PS. It has now just occurred to us... Stephen Farry is clearly APNI's most articulate, most capable politician (and one of the best in the Assembly). Surely, Farry is underused to the advantage of their wearingly unendurable, battering ram of a Deputy Leader. (Our PB for tolerating her is 12 seconds.) What have they achieved since walking into Opposition? Or to put it another way - what on earth is that nincompoop Ford still doing there?

Great reporting from Belfast Media Group (Pt I)

2008-12-20T02:55:00.006Z

This is nothing short of scandalous. What is the local MP doing about it? How will the 154-day hiatus at Stormont have contributed to this appalling statistic?

Or is the message - it's sorted folks, you can feed the kids and keep the roof over your heads coz I got Gregory to submit a paper on minority languages in the New Year?

SF and the DUP picked up 80% of the vote in West Belfast in 2005. How badly have these people been let down? But more than that, what will the Executive do to bring down the constituency's unemployment rate which is 35% ahead of the NI average?

Pass the salt...

2008-12-20T02:33:00.004Z

Because Staff at Bobballs will f*&^$£g eat our hats if this is true!

Time of recession. Nearly 2m in unemployment. Repossessions at 17 year high. An early election being discussed. Prescient politicans urging vigilance from frontbenches. And within this context, Britain is going to be presented with the sight of a simpering New Labour ego, suited and booted and swanning about with unattainable, fantasy totty?

Sure we are. Now, where's that Peter Brooke highlight reel?

Tomorrow's Exclusive: Staff at Bobballs exclusively reveal that the Belfast Telegraph peddles random bollocks!

Staff at Bobballs mourns the loss of...

2008-12-20T01:59:00.005Z

Mural number 901 from album 27 of the Cain Mural Directory.

This gem – formerly on Mountpottinger Road (within Sammy Wilson’s council constituency) – depicted Wilson naked except for his mayoral chain and a DUP rosette... next to the PUP’s David Ervine MLA who's holding the Oxford Book of Quotations.

But it is long gone. We were reminded of it when Professor Greg Lloyd put his foot in it earlier this week. Staff at Bobballs would be obliged if any of the good people of the Short Strand area might have a pic of said mural and could pop it into us on email...

Incidentally, Sammy’s retort was worthy of the man.

I'm all in favour of recycling, but this is a recycled old story. Other than that I have no comment.

And recycling the syllable ‘tort’ for the purposes of seamless segue, Staff at Bobballs notes that Jim Allister’s TUV declares support for traditional family values! Unquestionably so, though sadly Allister’s professional commitments can occasionally render him adjacent to individuals (hi, Sammy!) whom right-thinking people may not understand to be champions of tradition family activities.

It is a cruel world when the Alexandrian Library can be consumed by fire but the evidence (negatives) of the Wilson ‘naturism’ moment can still be out there. The horror...

NEXT WEEK FROM OUR HEALTH EXPERT: Images of ‘Nature Boy’ Wilson (‘Wooooooo!!) or rising acid? The messy business of regurgitative reflux...

Dear Tw*t…

2008-12-17T12:34:00.003Z

Staff at Bobballs are getting delirious with excitement at prospect of a Spring general election. The UK’s most influential political writer has been all but daring Brown to do it for some time now.

Staff at Bobballs feel he must move before these numbers get worse. And no one doubts the figures are going to get worse (lose the middle-class, then lose that election Gordy!).

But just as he must consider an early election, he stupidly hands momentum back to a struggling Tory Party. This smacks of the old Brown: the paranoia; the vulnerability; the distasteful partisan approach (to efficient government at a time of national crisis).

We recently blogged how the Tories are flat-footed, reactive and lacking in confidence (Balls! 14.12). But as the economy becomes bleaker, momentum can quickly shift their way again. A steady build up of stories like this and this could soon remind people that Brown’s premiership was rudderless and catastrophic… until rudderless and catastrophic financial institutions permitted him to save the world.

Opinion (media, public, political) is building, and an air of expectancy now hangs over an early election date. If Brown goes through Spring without an election call, he will be accused of cowardice and of fatal hesitation once more.

Because of the climate, past dithering, the listlessness of the Tories, he has no option but call an election soon (after January 20 when Barack gets sworn in. We expect Labour to desperately attach Gordy – tired old Mr Establishment – to this event and bask in the reflective glow of the fresh, history-making Change candidate).

Surely he can't make the same mistake twice?

PS. Hain the Pain is not our favourite politician. High fives all round when he quit in disgrace. But he has now been exonerated. This piece in The Guardian struck us as about the best defence of Hain, and that we might have been wrong about him. And so it has proved. Staff at Bobballs withdraw our vigorous high-fives and apologise for ever having doubted you… you obnoxious, perma-tanned twat.

If it's smart... it's Intelligence!

2008-12-17T01:51:00.011Z

Staff at Bobballs are interested in this piece from Religious Intelligence. Yip, that’s where we get all our news. If it’s smart, it’s Intelligence (are we right, Intelligence sales team??).

Well, Intelligence has a pretty good interview with Conor Murphy. He seems animated.

According to Conor:

If London has no long-term, selfish strategic interests in Northern Ireland, then it should prepare for disengagement.

We feel he’s reacting to something in particular but hasn’t been fully quoted. (Or he has been fully quoted, he's just been in a very deep sleep since December 6.)

Addressing the current state of power-sharing at Stormont, Mr Murphy said that his party had resolved many issues with the DUP and that it had been an “easier marriage” than anticipated.

Not quite the battle a day Unionists were promised. Robinson did say this was not a lasting or enduring form of government. When and how will the change come? Would he really want to change things now that the marriage with SF is 'easy'?

Paradoxically, commenting on the 'easy marriage' could momentairly cause unease - as Allister et al will surely attack the DUP for talking bollocks. But Staff at Bobballs are pleased to hear Conor say it. It shows how the DUP can do the right, if not say the right thing.

PS. Conor plans to push ahead with ‘political work... in the UK and the Irish community has a role to play in this’. After the UUP/Tory pact, shall we expect to see a concerted attack on the Tory record by Irish community leaders in England? The Tory record is indeed extremely suspect. We wonder what Conor meant?

But the complicated nature of things now means it's equally open for the Tories and SF to heartily agree with one another. Indeed, Europe seems to be drawing Tories together with Irish political leaders of all persuasions (Balls! 02.12).

But what of the DUP? Not all decisions made in Lisbon are unpalatable. Let's wait and see...

When lots of rights make a wrong...

2008-12-15T01:13:00.007Z

Staff at Bobballs have been concerned about James Purnell’s newly announced Raw Deal (Balls! 08.12).

But then we tried considering things from the government’s side of the fence. What factors are at play in determining reforms? But in particular, what obstacles to reform could there be in Northern Ireland?

That’s when we happened across the NI Human Rights Commission’s advisory Bill of Rights! How could a Purnell reform operate within a future world stalked by NIHRC's BoR?

Check out page 50, it states:

A provision should be drafted to ensure that –
1. Everyone has the right to social security, including social assistance, social insurance and pension. Public authorities must take all appropriate measures, including legislative measures, to the maximum of their available resources, with a view to achieving progressively the full realisation of this right.
Perhaps his provision was framed with Traveller communities in mind, but would this not be open to abuse by those in receipt of social assistance but who fail to meet their obligations?

Could anyone who is turned down for a particular form of assistance use a BoR to overturn it? Would, for example, penalising an individual one week’s payment (as is being proposed) be described as denial of ‘the right to social security’? Or would limiting certain assistance down to single mothers with children under one (as is being proposed) be deemed denial of fundamental rights/discrimination against everyone outside this bracket?

All arguable. So what if a penalty did not transgress social security rights, could it breach the right to an adequate standard of living (page 116) which states:

A provision should be drafted to ensure that –
1. Everyone has the right to an adequate standard of living sufficient for that person and their dependents. Public authorities must take all appropriate measures, including legislative measures, to the maximum of their available resources, with a view to achieving progressively the full realisation of this right.
A penalty removes public resources from an applicant’s household income. That must impact on standard of living for a short period (carrot & stick etc) so as to incentivise a positive change in behaviour.

But few receiving a fine will believe their new position to be adequate... because if it were, they would be admitting that this new level of assitance is what they ought to have been receiving originally. So the penalty will always be said to result in an inadequate standard of living. Bingo... legal action!

If social assistance is always a human right then what enforcement/selection process/administration can there be? Will the Bill of Rights not just leave all applicants with every opportunity to get the ‘carrot’, and ensure courts take possession of the ‘stick’?

In reality, under this system everyday welfare administration would surely move from the civil service to the law courts.

No one will want to see social reforms replace the catch-all welfare safety net with a tiny, dodgy looking hammock. But on the other hand, however suspect Purnell’s reforms are, the view from the other end of spectrum isn’t so great either. Who could fund the mess this BoR threatens to create?

When the News of the World illustrated Purnell’s reforms with a picture of Karen Matthews it demonstrated how badly we need a sensible debate on the issue. Not entirely sure that the advisory BoR really helps that along.

Let Sylvia be Sylvia...

2008-12-14T13:53:00.002Z

Things don’t look so good for the Tories. The Sindo has a Com Res poll putting the Tories only one point ahead of Labour. This turnaround of relative strength in recent months is only bested by the weakening of Sterling (although the latter is intentional).

Yip, it’s all going wrong for the Tories. It’s partly their own fault but it’s also in large part due to a revitalised Gordon Brown. He visited our brave boys overseas. He’s in terror talks with the Pakistani government. He’s fresh from the EU financial package plans. So confident is the PM that he modestly took credit for saving the world.

It’s been a good few weeks for the PM. This is what the US Defense Department might refer to as full spectrum dominance. Brown is moving so confidently and decisively between issues that the Tories are seen to be completely flat footed.

So when did it all go wrong Dave? For Staff at Bobballs (Balls! 01.12), the Green arrest was a decisive moment. As we said at the time:

How will they media manage this strange episode? Negative
comment on the PBR was filtering out pretty well, so Central Office has to get Green off the hook and put Darling back on it.

In this the Tories have failed. They attacked government recovery plans and withdrew their pledge to match Labour’s spending commitments. The Tories then pledged to go for a funded tax cut. They would not have done this without supportive polling – but they are leaking support in independent polls. Their assumptions must be wrong.

Then of course was the Deripaska affair. While not hugely important, it had the effect of splitting up the effective Cameron/Osborne double act. Osborne went into hiding only to emerge (very timidly) last week – just in time for Basher Paxman to serve him up a world-class kicking on Newsnight.

Maybe the Ulster Unionists are cleverer than we give them credit for. Yes, there is that Tory link. But if Gordy gets back in, the UUP still boast perhaps the most supportive pro-Labour non-Labour backbencher in the House.

The UUP need not demand Sylvia come out for the Tory link. After the Sindo poll, they would be better to hedge and just let Sylvia be Sylvia.

Margaret... you created this mess, now clean it up!

2008-12-14T09:33:00.004Z

Having said all the below (Balls!)... Margaret Ritchie, while credible, is fallible just like everyone else.

Staff at Bobballs are slightly disappointed with her. First she said something unpleasant about the Orange Order. Then the Orange Order produced one of the worst PR pics in recent memory (Balls! 03.12). [What was it? Oh, just a phalanx of OO male politicians marshalled in to gravely sign up to a denunciation that slaps down a lone female nationalist Minister. The more things change, the more they stay the same, eh lads?). Then Margaret apologised... kinda.

The main effect of her comments was to allow the OO an opportunity to dragoon its political muscle in a way that they haven’t been able to in years. The OO brought UUP & DUP together in the home of consensus politics to demonstrate the political power of the Orangeism.

Hugely counterproductive – we expected that type of gaffe from John Dallat but not from Margaret Ritchie. She must wrest a cross-community message out of this by bringing OO/GAA together into a single, cultural (non-political) event. Ritchie must do something to ensure some reciprocity.

She won't want to hand out a flaccid apology and so end up justifiying the OO's grandiose visit to Stormont to sign off vitriolic letters against elected Ministers. Otherwise, who will be the target of the next big table denunciation?

PS. While Staff at Bobballs were wondering whether the OO should register their MLA members as a separate political grouping in Stormont, we looked back at some figures.

In 1998, there were 35 OO members among 60 Unionist MLAs. Now, there are 37 OO members from among 55 Unionists. The Unionist vote is going down and its number of representatives is going down. Yet proportionately more Orangemen are being returned. The perverse effect of consociationalism appears to be more tribalism.

Wot no progressive, cross-community consensus emerging from the centre? Where exactly is Stormont going? For example, this type of 'bring it on f****s' chest-beating is just horrible - but this is now what habitually passes for politics. Depressing.

This week's Warney Flipper Award For Spin goes to...

2008-12-14T02:15:00.004Z

... the PSNI. Late breaking news on Friday evening was this gem.

The police statement apparently hit newsdesks late on Friday evening, and plum into broadcasting's dead zone.

Evening Extra rushed it out, but because it was emerging so late on they had little option than to go with only the PSNI statement. Things were slightly more developed for News Line but again the PSNI statement pledging immediate action represented the thrust of the story.

Have Staff at Bobballs correctly spotted the fingerprints of pre-meditated news management all over this? Or are we going to be asked to believe in the random nature of 'events, dear boy, events'?

[Although, having released the proactive, positive line it somewhat unfortunately disappeared beneath this.]

This was also the week that the PSNI sent out Christmas cards to criminals. Ouch. It smarts.

Let's hope next week brings better luck, eh lads?

Is this goodbye?

2008-12-14T01:05:00.010Z

Staff at Bobballs were interested in Margaret Ritchie’s Inside Politics performance. She warned people not to take her for granted because the SDLP could leave the Executive.

We suspect she also took herself by surprise as well. Her other messages up to that point had been that:

People expect her to do her job on behalf of Northern Ireland
No one will prevent her from delivering for the people of Northern Ireland
The SDLP are committed to do a job for the social deprived, that’s why they took DSD.

Which doesn’t sit well alongside this:

But if there comes a time when executive colleagues and others deliberately stop me from delivering, then that will give my party an opportunity, and myself, to consider our role in government, but at this particular point we haven't reached that point - we're still in government.

Despite the slightly conflicted message, the impact is considerable. Why? Because Margaret has the rarest, most precious of political talents.... being utterly credible and convincing.

As a communicator Ritchie has the advantage of appearing to be earnest and committed and marvellously unaffected by mundane politicking. So when she says ‘I want to deliver a £200 credit for people in fuel poverty’, we believe her. And when she says the SDLP may consider departing the Executive, we believe her.

The UUP (Danny Kennedy in particular) seem infected with a huge dose of seasonal humbug. They're angrier and more aggressive these days for some reason, but we seriously doubt the UUP would ever leave the Executive.

Cameron is trying to move mainland Tories from opposition to government - we can't see that he'd appreciate NI Tories (Ulster Unionists) moving from government to opposition. We suspect the SDLP would be on their own.

Blue on blue contact... abort, abort!

2008-12-13T23:35:00.001Z

Oops. Staff at Bobballs were really looking forward to MEPs going to the OFMDFM committee (Balls! 03.12).

We felt it was a platform for a candidate to really let the media notice them. A place to show how efficient Europe is. And the right environment to show up some MLAs and shake things up a bit.

And so it proved! So well done Jim Nicholson for achieving all the above by

ilustrating how efficient Europe can be
and getting in the face of a local MLA.

And who was the target and vehicle for all this ire? Why, Jim’s very own demoralised election agent Tom Elliott.

Seriously Jim, why?

But things improved and he finally got a decent story out of it. It was a sharp an answer to the remit of the committee as could be possible.

And what of the DUP/TUV confrontation? Alas the DUP MLAs present were timid as mice.

Whip-round for the News Letter & Derry Journal?

2008-12-13T14:33:00.004Z

Things not looking so good at the News Letter, Derry Journal et al. Looks like the humble sub (noble fellow, Balls! 30.11) is for the high jump. Though numbers of precisely how many jobs will be going ranges from 11 to 31.

Well, just for clarity we’re quite sure Johnston Press’ stable of newspapers would report the correct figure. So what is it, 11 jobs or 31 jobs? According to the Derry Journal:

The move will result in a net loss of 8.5 positions in the newspaper group.

Oh. Okay. So that’s clear then.

The National Union of Journalists website rightly reports that Johnston Press is maximising profits by sacrificing quality. The Union also notes that:

Last year Johnston Press made £178 million operating profits, which meant its profit margin was at 27 per cent, far in excess of what is expected by most commercial organisations.

Things not so rosey NUJ - profits as a percentage of turnover fell to below 30% for the first time since 2003. And last year might well have produced good numbers but the economy went into recession this year with the real damage coming in Q4 of this year.

And it’s not as though Johnston Press failed to update the market on its balance sheet during this rocky period. The more up to date figures the NUJ might have used were published on the Johnston Press website on 12.11.

Total advertising revenues down 15.5% - print advertising was down by 17.4%
Overall performance has deteriorated due to further substantial declines in property advertising combined with significant falls in employment and display advertising
In weeks 27-44, there were year-on-year declines in property of 48.4%, employment 32.1%, motors 24.3% and display 12.1% on a like-for-like and constant currency basis.
Newspaper sales revenues after 44 weeks are slightly down on last year with circulations suffering
The Group has been cutting back – to the tune of £7.6 million in the first 26 weeks of the year.

The statement added that:

Net debt at 1 November 2008 was £465 million, a reduction of £19 million from the balance at 30 June 2008. It is expected this will reduce again between now and the year-end. A further impact on the full year impairment reviews of the carrying value of the Group's intangible assets is inevitable as a consequence of the continued deterioration in advertising trends.

Given the challenging and deteriorating economic and operating environment, the Group is concentrating on managing its cost base and reducing its debt levels, but would still expect to deliver an operating profit for the full year at the lower end of current market expectations.

Servicing such enormous debt and dealing with banks is problematic, but especially when the value of a company falls by a fifth overnight. So shareholders and banks need to see that the company is cutting costs. Sadly, that means hacking into hacks’ wages. The NUJ also has some strong words on that Johnston Press pay freeze.

It looks as though local titles will have to suffer some pain. Under Johnston Press ownership, that means job cuts, centralisation and a loss in quality. But Staff at Bobballs fears this may send the News Letter into a death spiral – how much more can it take without passing the tipping point of terminal failure in readership?

It would be unthinkable for there to be no Derry Journal in Derry and no Belfast News Letter in Belfast. Johnston Press is locked into more cuts - but these may be too much for such long-weary titles to bear.

Does anyone know of big money media consortia looking to snap up two of these islands' great newspapers? Just on the off chance.

PS. Earlier this month, Staff at Bobballs suspected the News Letter story pooling was evidence of financial straits (Balls! 05.12). And as much as we’d like to think we’re ‘Mystic Balls the Newspaper Prognosticator’, it appears NL story pooling has been going on much longer than we originally thought...but... erm... the conclusion was (inadvertently) right!! Right?!?!?

The 'How to' guide for public reps... Lesson 2: UUP

2008-12-10T00:29:00.002Z

What an effective piece of press. Promotes values of open, inclusive, tolerant, multi-cultural, democratic society.

They can’t both be right, can they?

2008-12-10T00:06:00.005Z

After the devolution of policing and justice was discussed at today’s OFMDFM Committee:

Attwood said: “Either the Prime Minister’s claim is right or it is not. If it is, all the better. If it is not, then the claim is wildly optimistic, given that Sinn Fein have handed the DUP a veto in the Assembly and in the country about when devolution can happen.”

Kennedy said: “The fact is that the Prime Minister let the cat out of the bag last week when he said the transfer of policing and justice powers would be "in a few months", shows that it is Sinn Fein who really are driving this process. The DUP need to explain to the Unionist electorate how this equates to a political lifetime.”

SF rolled over by DUP? Or DUP rolled over by SF?

Mmmm... it’s all so confusing. They can’t be both be right, can they?

Ah who the hell knows, but they are certainly wrong to go down this route. Neither are damaging their intended targets, and are in effect assisting the lead party from the other side.

The UUP complaint endorses the negotiating skills of SF (rolled over the DUP on political lifetime stuff); and the SDLP complaint endorses the negotiating skills of the DUP (for vetos etc).

These endorsements are bound to turn up in manifestos. Like page 18 of the DUP’s 2005 manifesto! (And check out all those crazee commitments! Really enjoyed a review of the ‘entry to government’ bit.)

SDLP – the devolution of policing and justice is coming. You are in favour of this. Join the winning team and make warm noises on its imminent arrival. (This was a good start. But why no attempt made to develop this positively?)

UUP – the devolution of policing and justice is coming. You are in favour of this. Stop protesting its arrival.

Complaining about negotiating ability is beyond dated, it’s beyond irrelevant. Because no one is listening to you. Too much is going wrong for anyone to care about hoards of Canutes protesting wherever the tide of change is coming in fastest. Especially when all the main parties are in favour of devolving policing and justice.

The ol' Obama poetry of hope, change and progress are closer to the public mood. The DUP and SF will surely deliver change (in terms of policing & justice) to a chorus of opposition from 'moderate' parties, and applause from major external power brokers. When this happens, the 'moderate' parties, once so central to success, will have journeyed outwards to the fringes of broader opinion. Both parties could find themselves completely outmanoeuvred by the Spring time.

For the SDLP, the old Hume optimism and trust in intrinsic goodness of people has well... fallen lower than sterling. Chin up for chrissakes!

For the UUP, stop it. Already Reg is sounding like Jim Allister. And, as the Conservatives favour devolution of policing and justice, you are courting a PR catastrophe. As Dave told the UUP conference on Saturday:

The agreement that’s been reached on the process for the transfer of policing and justice powers is welcome.

The UUP must calm down and make this their George Osborne issue (ie. the issue they won’t let near the media). Otherwise it will muddy the waters – it creates a gap the DUP love to exploit.

Nope. Instead the UUP are placing themselves on a collision course with Conservatives by issuing statements demanding the media set up concession-watch (again this is beyond dated, beyond irrelevant).

But no doubt when their complaints do not make an impact the SDLP and UUP will think that it’s because they were not robust enough with their complaints in the first instance. And then they shall complain harder... and so the Groundhog Day cycle continues.

Going for Gold!

2008-12-08T23:05:00.008Z

Anyone who remembers the tragic Henry Kelly Euro quiz Going for Gold should recognise the format of...

Who am I?

I am a Party whose Headquarters has very been badly run. One of my senior figures said of my HQ management that “there were no clear lines of communication and endless duplication”.

Who am I?

I am a Party that fills very high-paying positions at HQ by closed process of appointment rather than via open selection. Almost nothing has been done to raise money via the internet.

Who am I?

I am a Party whose HQ is afflicted by a culture of secrecy and consequent lack of accountability – where mistakes have been repeated again and again over recent years.

Who am I?

I am a Party that’s been at the heart of politics in Ulster for over 100 years. My leader was trying desperately to make unionism look appealing this weekend. He shared a platform with a leader who has led his right-wing political Party for three years.

Who am I?

*Cue Euro buzzer* Erm... Mr Kelly. Are you the Ulster Unionist Party?

No, you big hippo-potaaaaamus, I'm... David Cameron's all-new Conservative Party!!

*Cue Euro jingle, daft Euro wave to camera and roll Euro credits*

They’re so alike that UUP and Tory Party. Staff at Bobballs think this marriage really could last. Many happy returns chaps!

DUP: no longer the Hunters they used to be...

2008-12-08T02:19:00.004Z

Oops. Well, there was an attack line that quickly ran out of date. Back to the drawing board Sammy!

Surely, the DUP would be better to welcome this Tory/UUP move? Staff at Bobballs can’t figure out why there is no generosity from DUP. The UUP almost need not lob any shells back at the DUP when they seem content to inflict such damage on themselves.

Especially when you consider the strange and curious case of... ex-Tory MP Andrew Hunter! When Mr Hunter came over from Basingstoke to run in Lagan Valley, the constituency chairman Ian Paisley Junior said Mr Hunter's candidacy was:
probably one of the most significant developments within unionist politics for several decades.
(Erm... the electorate disagreed and he trailed in seventh in the 2003 assembly election.)

So taking a Tory backbencher and running him (ironically, in an attempt to end the career of Jeffrey Donaldson) was “most significant”. But bringing a future PM to NI to proclaim himself a ‘passionate unionist’ who is not neutral on the Union and then securing the promise of Unionists sitting in a national government is... piffle? Some inconsistency here, surely?

We can’t find any links on Paisley Junior’s view on the Tory/UUP link, but we’d be very keen to hear his views! Junior was ecstatic to gain delivery of one (independent) ex-MP. Fair enough. The Unionist family gained admission into the next Tory government. He must be beside himself with glee, right?

PS. So if the UUP/Tory deal really does strengthen core vote and reenergise people on the fringe, then surely the possible arrival of the Labour Party (Boyd Black interview) will mop up people who might otherwise support the excellent SDLP Euro candidate? Great news for Jim Nicholson as Alban had his eyes fixed firmly on that seat.

Which brings us to Councillor Niall Kelly. He told the Irish News that ‘the right of the SDLP to an 11th ministry went out the window when both [DUP/SF] abandoned d’Hondt and the democratic guarantees of the Good Friday Agreement’. All right this is fairly usual SDLP territory. But wouldn’t it be better to let the notion of the judicious and eminently worthy Alban Maginness as a potential Justice Minister gestate for a while in the minds of the electorate? Why not feed this notion, let Alban talk expansively in connection with local justice matters and position him as expert/credible option? His credentials are good and should earn him plenty of favourable media opportunities and hence opportunities to shape public opinion. This would be a perfect and uniquely SDLP platform going into the Euro election. Then Alban can modestly withdraw his name in March and SF can be blamed for screwing it all up just after the Easter commemorations (so that they don't get a clear run with the ICCT going into the Sands anniversary). But, erm, Councillor Kelly subverted it before Christmas arrived. Shame.

Purnell misheard demand for a ‘New Deal’...

2008-12-08T00:35:00.005Z

An inverse of the New Deal, New Labour now promises a Raw Deal for everyone within the welfare system.

At a time of depression, Roosevelt’s New Deal expanded public works to create jobs and reheat the economy. As Britain's economy cools down, Purnell’s Raw Deal cuts good works to welfare recipients and slashes public expenditure (to compensate for things like VAT cuts to help retailers etc).

Unemployment is expected to go over 3m by 2010 – a level not seen since the worst days of the 80s. So the welfare system must be structured in a way to accommodate an upsurge. Purnell’s Raw Deal shows the size and shape of that restructuring.

Unemployment is roughly 1.9m at a moment when 40,000 vacancies fell out of the economy last quarter. Either we are efficient in filling those vacancies - unlikely as employment is falling - or the economy is simply losing out as businesses go into bankruptcy etc.

So what will happen in a deeper recession, with fewer vacancies and tougher competition for those vacancies? Well, the least we know is that there’ll be less spring in the welfare system's safety net (particularly in incapacity benefit). So far, so right wing...

How will the Tories react? They’re going to publish (by sheer good luck?) a report on social mobility tomorrow, which is an altogether more hopeful message.

Cameron’s appearing at the UUP conference refocuses things on UK relationships. How strange those relationships are becoming.

The SDLP are linked to Labour Party. What does the SDLP’s Minister for Social Development (in charge of local welfare management) think of her sister Party’s reforming zeal in relation to the welfare system?

The UUP are linked to the Tory Party. What does the UUP’s Minister for Employment & Learning (whose department has considerable influence, oversight on social mobility through the further education brief) think of the Tories zeal in relation to social mobility?

In terms of this narrow question on policy, Staff at Bobballs know they’d prefer to be in Reg’s shoes (promoting social mobility) than in Margaret’s (questions on implications of Purnell’s Raw Deal for NI/whether she agrees with her sister party etc).

Of course, this narrow policy question will soon disappear into the ether and we start all over again. This just serves to illlustrate that maybe the association with Tory policy will be less of a millstone for the UUP that many might otherwise suspect.

PS. There can be no early election with Purnell’s Raw Deal out there causing mayhem just in time for Christmas, right? Unless of course people in receipt of incapacity benefit tend to be apathetic in terms of voting habits... and whether the government thinks a hugely pressured middle-class will be reassured & supportive of seeing welfare stripped back. Fraser Nelson covers this in the NotW – using Britain’s most reviled women to illustrate the story is of course an utterly revolting masterstroke.

And then there was that very lite Queen’s Speech... mmmm...

PPS. Staff at Bobballs always thought that shadow executive should be working more effectively. The UUP will grab that Tory social mobility policy and run hard with it. Could the SDLP try to do something jointly with the UUP on this? After all, DEL and DSD are powerful departments in addressing issues of social need/mobility. Times of recession, bigger picture, a united political front, UUP/SDLP MLAs sensitive to effects of the real economy in real communities joining forces to... etc. No?

Why the UUP political broadcast was so awful...

2008-12-06T23:08:00.005Z

The UUP’s party political broadcast was appalling. Why so bad?

The UUP is going through a period of change. It is unsettling. Reportedly some even in the Assembly Group have been unsettled.

The PEB answers at least one question: how do you travel down the road of change so imperceptibly as to appear at rest?

The dark wood table, hardback tomes on Carson, long lingering shots of the Union flag, the non sequitor cutaway of Reg walking to nowhere in particular, and a staid, tired old monologue to camera. Then comes the monotonous, dreadful, fuzzy script that veered one way and then another. And check out the sighing Fred Cobain at 1min 50sec - he can barely keep his eyes open. My god this is dull.

But for Staff at Bobballs, it is wrong to write this off as an ineffective broadcast. Consider whom the architects of this piece were playing to? The intended audience was the UUP’s core vote/branch member (over 55, naturally conservative but fiercely independently minded). This was about reassurance for them.

So the rationale behind the ‘why’ is understandable. But it still was a mistake to broadcast in this way.

The PEB went out 24 hours ahead of the UUP/Cameron conference and it sets a tone for the conversation the UUP wants to have with the electorate. So when the UUP was on the cusp of a brave new departure (what Dave called a 'modern, outward-looking, inclusive, compassionate Conservative and Unionist party for the 21st century') it tried to do it with flags and Carson.

What about the psychology behind the 'why'? Perhaps all these theatrics might suggest that the Party is lacking in confidence. It references its future but is more comfortable talking over its past. The PEB's historical contextualising lasts for more than half this broadcast. Despite the unanimous Executive their dominant strategy is underpinned by caution, even nerviness.

The UUP must revisit and dissect the thinking behind their broadcast. They must ask themselves, how could we have done this better?

The conference will plaster over the cracks of this broadcast. But they cannot rely on a star turn every once in a while to carry this merger. The UUP must sell this deal – but not like this. Surely UUP broadcasts can never again look like this again.

Unionist unity: DUP unilaterally boosts UUP morale!

2008-12-05T23:33:00.004Z

Big winners in the political sphere this week... the UUP Press Office! The press office drew fire from the DUP on two occasions (here and here).

Attack statements should focus on incompetence. But on both occasions the DUP seems to be worrying that the UUP Press Office is not incompetent. Indeed, the DUP are upset at the effectiveness of the UUP tactics. In fact that the UUP has tactics is clearly a source of surprise and upset.

The press officer is beleaguered, lonely and wretched soul. They get it in the neck from the opposition, from the media and from the people they are there to protect. The perenial problem for the press officer is low morale. And, well, we suspect that DUP just gave the UUP Press Office a morale boost.

This has been a great week for the UUP in terms of column inches, and the people most directly responsible for that are rattling their opposite numbers in the DUP.

NL story pooling - a financial or editorial decision?

2008-12-05T23:04:00.005Z

Staff at Bobballs noticed that The News Letter website is running online stories from across the Johnston Press group in Northern Ireland.

They may have been running group stories before now, but surely this is only a recent innovation. So what could this mean?

In our view, a newspaper which is heavy with PA copy is a newspaper in trouble (no resources to generate in-house, independent copy - consequently the paper gets a generic feel and loses uniqueness/brand flavour, which leads to sales slump, which means fewer resources for editorial, whic results in greater dependence on PA copy, which leads to a generic feel and... etc etc).

Similarly, is pooling online stories within a group a signal that resources are tightening?

Or maybe a good story should be shared between group outlets? But we do doubt that a story about council staff and a big quote from a councillor who abstained in the vote is really a stand out story. Was the decision to run this editorial, or financial?

We don't really like syndicated copy (Robert Fisk/Kevin Myers are a waste of valuable Bel Tel space. I can get them online in their original form). But we wonder how many other stories from across the Johnston Press Group will find themselves into the News Letter website. Is this a trend towards syndicated online copy? Publishing fewer news stories will over time result in a reduced need for nuzhounds - so this may be indicative of something bigger. These are tough times.

We can only wait and find out.

Phwooaaarrr blimey! Suits you Belfast Tottygraph!

2008-12-05T10:43:00.003Z

Earlier this week we reported on how the Belfast Tottygraph had nobly stepped up in support of the Ulster Cancer Foundation and their new calendar (Balls passim). The theme for this calendar? Rampant totty! The links with men’s health are obvious…

Well, the Belle Tel was at it again this week with an incredible phew from Stormont.

But wait! Staff at Bobballs had clearly understated the commitment of this committed campaigning newspaper. Phwoaarrr it was they who sent gristled reporter Gary Grattan to film a photoshoot of models doing their bit for charidee. Out of a shared desire to support the UCF/men’s health/rampant totty, we happily post up the link to Grattan’s scoop here.

But the BT is not the only campaigning daily newspaper. Oh no.

The News Letter covered the calendar story online but somehow couldn’t find space to publish the supporting photograph that appeared in the print version. To show our solidarity with our cousins in print, Staff at Bobballs will happily devote space to reproduce that photograph in full below…

What will your da say about that one Junior! (Smell that man’s breath - surely).

Yip, it’s a cold winter for a lot of us this Christmas. The recession is beginning to bite, jobs are scarce etc. (Sadly, the Bobballs production floor witnessed a mass firing not seen since the Katyn Massacre. Clear those desks lads!). But it’s great to see that our MLAs sharing the pain in these serious times.

So congratulations Ian Paisley Junior! Phwoooaarrr capturing the public mood so completely, you win this week’s ‘Bobballs: Man of the People’ award! As always, you award is being faxed to you as we speak…